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Quentin D Fortesqueue

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.

Boris Johnson gets into Christmas spirit by ordering massive census and slaughter of children

Boris Johnson has finally got into the spirit of Christmas by ordering a massive census of everybody in the UK and slaughtering all of...

Turkeys delighted they’re able to finally “get Christmas done”

Turkeys up and down the country are said to be delighted that they are now in a position to finally "get Christmas done." "We've been...

Potholes are going to be our next victims, confirms government

A source within the Conservative Party has confirmed today that they plan to murder all of the potholes in the country should they win...

Voters must provide family coat of arms as ID insists government

The government has been accused of the suppression of voters' rights after plans to introduce compulsory checks of a family coat of arms for...
Donald Trump

Germany to face sanctions for failing to help US during D-Day landings

Donald Trump has today announced a huge package of far reaching sanctions against Germany after discovering that Germany failed to help the US during...

Boris Johnson books flight home from New York with Thomas Cook

Downing Street have issued a statement this morning explaining that Boris Johnson won't be able to attend Prime Minister's Questions today because he's stuck...

Tommy Robinson converts to hipsterism in prison, plans to open falafel stand in Shoreditch

Far-right garden gnome impersonator Tommy Robinson has revealed that he has become a hipster in prison and plans to open an organic falafel stand...

Despair after terrible person makes valid point

A man has been left bereft of all hope for the future after discovering that the worst person he knows might have made a...
Houses of Parliament

Lib Dems table bill to give each Leave voter bendy banana and note saying...

MPs are meeting this afternoon to discuss vital legislation that could break the Brexit deadlock and potentially save the Government. A bill tabled by Jo...

Loud booing interrupted by Boris Johnson speech

Millions of viewers who tuned into a BBC broadcast of tens of thousands of people booing and hissing at Downing Street today were left...

Denmark offers to buy America from Russia

Mette Frederiksen, the Prime Minister of Denmark has reportedly expressed an interest in buying the Russian controlled territory of the United States of America. Rich...
Houses of Parliament

Government reassures voters post-Brexit ration books will also be blue

The government has taken bold steps today to reassure the public after a leaked Whitechapel report detailed how the UK is likely to face...
Polar Bear

Aaron Banks eaten by polar bear forced to migrate to Cheshire by global warming

Reports are coming in that a man ironically mauled to death by a polar bear in Northwich town centre was prominent leave voter and...

Dick Braine elected leader of Dicks for Brains

Mr Braine was the favoured dickhead ahead of his predecessor, Gerard Batten, who resigned after Dicks for Brains' poor performance in the European elections...

50 migrants in canoes rescued off Kent coast forced to return to UK

A search and rescue operation has recovered 50 migrants off the Kent coast, the Home Office has said. As spokesman said the Border Force had...
Happy Family

Couples who call each other Mummy and Daddy told to pack it the f*ck...

Couples who call each other Mummy and Daddy have been told by the authorities to pack it the fuck in or be faced with...

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