The government has taken bold steps today to reassure the public after a leaked Whitechapel report detailed how the UK is likely to face food, medicine and fuel shortages after Brexit.

Many experts are now certain that pretty much everybody will be forced to survive on canned peaches, spam, pets and neighbours’ children for the first four or five years after Brexit.

“We just don’t want people to panic.” A spokesman for Michael Gove told The Rochdale Herald.

“Yes there’s going to be shortages of stuff like the ingredients for all the food we eat and all the medicine we make, and electricity and diesel and other stuff we might not have even thought of yet.”

“But we have taken all the steps necessary to ensure that the ration books we’ll be issuing will be navy blue to match the passports we’re having printed in France. We’re going to put a flag on it and maybe a nice patriotic lion or something.”

“If we don’t run out of paper and ink we’ll be sending out post-Brexit survival guides to every household in the UK, provided the Post Office doesn’t run out of diesel of course.”

“The mole casserole recipe is surprisingly tasty.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.