A source within the Conservative Party has confirmed today that they plan to murder all of the potholes in the country should they win the next general election.

Unveiling a groundbreaking policy to fix something that’s broken, Boris has announced that the Conservatives are planning to buy some gravel and fill in some holes in the road should they win the next election.

“We were pretty much the only things to survive austerity and the last round of spending cuts.” A Rochdale pothole who does not wish to be named told The Herald. “Now those Tory bastards are likely to finish us off.”

Local midwife and foodbank user, Norah Bates, told The Rochdale Herald “It’s a shame that more things have to die because of Conservative Party policies but the road to our local foodbank has got quite a lot of puddles on it now.”

“It’s bad enough trying not to trip over the dead bodies of local homeless people and council workers who’ve starved to death when I’m picking up my starvation rations without having to worry about drowning in a pothole.”

“They also make it quite difficult to pitch a tent. It’s great to hear that the Conservatives are really listening to the concerns of local people, so I welcome the news and they definitely have my vote.”

“Provided I don’t die before December the 12th.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.