A party of financial wizards who can’t agree which wizard should be head wizard has given a talk today on how free market capitalism works at a gathering of believers in magic.

They have done this in order to defend themselves against a mob of magicians who believe money won’t fly out of the country as if by bad magic so long as they cast protective words charms of reassurance.

“Those wizards don’t understand the value of free market capitalism,” Wizard Pennywise Phil extolled from the stage,

“It only works if you pour billions of ordinary taxpayers money into the system whenever it fails. The rest of the time you privatise anything public money has invested billions and decades of effort into as cheaply as possible so other wizards are able to cast spells and make money appear as if by magic in secret treasure islands.”

This led by some to accusations of hypocrisy and contradiction, but given they made these criticisms through smartphones developed in the free market, which often uses innovations born out of public investment, it’s likely everyone is both wrong and right at the same time.

“To prove we understand magic best,” Wizard Phil finished, “We’re going to invert endless billions of taxpayers money into a free market fantasy called Brexit. On this that other mob of magicians agree with us at least. That’s one spell we’re casting together,”

“It’s a spell called too big to fail, we’ve cast it once before and it proved our theory of magic beyond any doubt.”