Three cheers to our beloved leader Mrs May for a delightful dilemma this Christmas.

We here at The Rochdale Herald recognise we are often so swift to criticise the government that you might think we are incapable of appreciating good Conservative policy. But, with this latest announcement, Mrs May has taken our breath away.

Frequently, the phrase “embarrassment of riches” is mere shorthand for the impressive position of privilege many in our nation’s Cabinet occupy. But now, it can be used by our nation’s nurses as they wrestle with this delicious decision.

“Do I take a one off bonus payment and clear the outstanding penalty charge notices from my Trust’s outsourced carpark police; or do I take the opportunity to kick Hunt in the clackers?”

“Buy a Christmas roast from ASDA rather than the foodbank; or hoof Hunt in the meat and two veg?”

“Watch the Queen’s speech on a new TV; or punt Hunt in the crown jewels?”

Nurses are left almost speechless with glee.

RGN Claire Hutchinson had this to say:

“My mum thinks I’m called Hutch because of my surname. But my fellow nurses call me that because I’m always stuffed full of rabbits. So believe me, I really understand the possibilities for fun that a judicious impact on the groin can present.

“But goddamn, a 10% bonus, I could get really, really, really, really pissed. Oh my days. I could afford actual fags instead of rollies on a night out. Blimey, I’d be like Lady Muck.”

At the time of writing, Hutch has asked if she can split the offer and have 5% to spend on a really pretty but spikey new pair of shoes, which she can then use to just kick Jeremy in the one bollock.