Today, at a press conference in the champagne bar of the Astor club in Pall Mall, David Gauke, the work and pensions secretary no one has ever heard of, announced that food banks will be renamed Universal Credit Bistros.
“It’s our policies that are packing these places, it’s only right that we claim the naming rights. We’ll be dovetailing the rebrand with the launch of the government’s ‘Sleepy Times’ workhouses”.
The controversy over the six week waiting time for claimants was described by a DWP official as a ‘useful eating, warmth and lighting cooling off period’. Gauke elaborated on the point by explaining “We’re trying to wean the unemployed, the low paid, the ill and the disabled off these needless luxuries.”
When pressed about the number of nurses using food banks, he reaffirmed the government’s commitment to the simian nursing program “If film has taught us anything, it’s that apes and monkeys make excellent doctors, nurses and comic sidekicks. We even have one in government.”
Despite fears that Universal Credit might prove to be Theresa May’s ‘Poll Tax moment’, Iain Duncan Smith, the architect of the reforms, insisted he didn’t give a fuck.
“The whole poll tax thing didn’t do Baroness Thatcher any harm did it?” he quipped. “The plebs should realise that these measures are being brought in for their own good. Tough love if you will. People really should be thanking us for giving them the push they need to better themselves and make a meaningful contribution to society.”
We have contacted UNISON for a comment but they were all too hungry to reply.
