The British Army was deployed in Burnley town centre earlier today to quell civil unrest apparently taking place in the city’s popular shopping district.
Army chiefs were dismayed to discover the source of the problem was simply a sale at Farmfoods.
One of the supposed rioters, Shelleigh-Leigh Leigh, told The Rochdale Herald: “It’s proper mad, innit, 50% off everything. I mean that’s more than half price! Well I was down here straightaways.”
Shelleigh-Leigh and her sisters Hayleigh-Leigh and Billeigh-Leigh ended up with four bags of frozen sprouts and some crispy pancakes. “None of us even like sprouts,” Shelleigh-Leigh said, “but it’s a sale, you know?”
A spokesman for the frozen food retailer attempted to give a statement to the press, but was trampled underfoot by bargain hungry shoppers, all wearing dressing gowns and slippers.
“This is always going on in Burnley,” remarked Major Hilary S. Farqupp, of the East Lancashire Standing Army. “It’s the third time this month.
“We can only hope and pray that DFS don’t have a sale any time soon or we’re all fucked.”