Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has layed out plans to take RyanAir into public ownership alongside the railways and the Royal Mail in a radical manifesto that promises to solve every problem instantly.

A draft version of the document, drawn up by the leadership team and seen by the Rochdale Herald pledges the phased abolition of everything unpopular, a dramatic boost in finance for everyone everywhere, an end to disappointing news and free holidays in school term time because they are cheaper that way.

Free. Really.

However, it’s the ownership of RyanAir that really catches the eye. Party sources said Corbyn wants to be as popular as Richard Branson and having his own airline really nailed it for him. Critics said the policies represented a shift back to the 1970s with the Conservatives describing it as a “total shambles” and a plan to “unleash chaos on Britain”.

But to be honest, who would fucking notice another shambles at this point anyway?