If the dead weren’t so unproductive the economy would be booming, says Phillip Hammond

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Chancellor Phillip Hammond has blamed sluggish economic growth figures on the dead. "Our research over the last two quarters has proved conclusively that the dead are having no positive impact on productivity growth and it...

Buying a house is really stressful first time buyer tells bloke in queue for...

0
A first time buyer has been explaining how stressful buying a house is to a man he met in a foodbank. Taylor Twyford-Twist was doing his weekly bit of virtue signalling, or charity work as...
Theresa May

Strong economy responsible for Sun coming up and tides says Theresa May

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All things bright and beautiful are thanks to a strong economy, says Theresa May. When asked why flowers are so lovely, she said this was down to a strong economy brought to us by a...

Pound Pinches Parisian Patterning – Press and Paparazzi Perplexed

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Scandal hits the UK economy once again as the new £1 coin (GBP) is accused of fashion plagiarism by the Continental Euro (EUR). Speaking via Text relay phone service to Donna Bellievitti, the €1 coin had the...

Mystery void inside Great Pyramid contains plans for ancient financial scheme that’s a total...

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Archaeologists announced yesterday the discovery of a mysterious void inside the Great Pyramid of Giza and that initial exploration revealed what appear to be the plans for a complex financial scam. “The hieroglyphs are initially...
Mark Carney

Something that hasn’t happened might or might not make something bad happen, clarifies Bank...

0
Something that might or might not happen could or could not send the pound plunging or not plunging and trigger, or maybe even not trigger a worse recession than the financial crisis, or possibly...

LABOUR TAX BOMBSHELL TAX TAX BOMBSHELL TAX LABOUR TAX TAX BOMB TAX!!!!!

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The entire media demanded that Labour provide a triplicated cost analysis today after it was announced that Jeremy Corbyn might be planning to put the kettle on. "Tax Fears as Labour Announce Brewtime" read the...

Fears for Rochdale black pudding supply as Bury announces plans to exit Lancashire free...

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Rochdale residents with a taste for black pudding were left fearing for the future as Bury announced plans to leave the Lancashire Economic Community. The LEC, which allows for free trade between all...

Government insists food banks rebrand as Universal Credit Bistros

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Today, at a press conference in the champagne bar of the Astor club in Pall Mall, David Gauke, the work and pensions secretary no one has ever heard of, announced that food banks will...
Bank of England

Bank of England RAISES interest rate from naff all to fuck all

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For the second time in more than a decade the Bank of England has taken the decision raise interest rates. The official bank rate has been RAISED from naff all to almost fuck all, the...
Pregnancy

Government launch ‘Kids for Britain’ scheme to encourage teenage pregnancy to replace migrant workers...

24
The Home Office is to launch an eye popping new initiative designed to compensate for the expected loss of Eastern European field workers as a result of Brexit. The scheme titled “Kids for Britain” will...
Fireman

Shameless firefighters put the squeeze on hard working public officials

3
Firefighters were forced into a defensive position today after important and hardworking public officials started to show the strain of the remorseless pressure from public sector workers heckling for a pay rise. First Michael Gove...
Migration

Overmortgaged Soft Southern Twats to buy entire North of England during next house price...

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Public officials in the North of England are conducting secret emergency planning meetings in preparation for one of the largest migrations of people in the country's history. And it is nothing to do with Brexit. ...

Tiny Tim declared fit to work by ATOS

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Dickensian child, "Tiny" Tim Cratchitt has been declared fit to work by ATOS this week despite being both famously crippled and fictional. His father, Robert Cratchitt, has condemned the decision, insisting his son's age and...

Notional round token to be replaced by notional hexagonal token

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The Rochdale Herald would like to remind readers that as of next week the shiny gold circles they exchange for goods and services will be rendered worthless, and must be replaced with metal hexagons...
Girls Don't Like Boys

Institute for Fiscal Studies claims girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money

11
Economists at The Institute for Fiscal Studies sensationally claimed yesterday that girls don't like boys but they do like cars and money. The report said that provided men are "educated, with money, well-dressed, not funny,...

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