The Conservative government has confirmed today that austerity is over and it was just for giggles anyway.

The end to penny pinching has absolutely nothing to do with Labour taking a swag of seats at the recent general election.

It’s definitely not to do with the opposition taking Kensington either with an agenda of not starving children and not taking the family home away as soon as a sick parent dribbles their last breath.

And given that Brexit will shower the country in a rain of gold bullion you would normally only see if Midas was suspended in the clouds, there is no need to be austere anymore anyway.

People who have lost welfare payments or bedrooms can look forward to jobs swinging pick axes and cheerfully pushing wheelbarrows as the government invests in infrastructure projects the country doesn’t really need but will be fun to do, because, austerity is over.

Every home will also be gifted a small nuclear reactor to play with and a rare bird of their choice.

“We have done the heavy lifting.” Michael Gove reassured the nation this morning on Radio 4’s Today programme. “Now it is time to show them the money.”

You’ll soon be showering in it as May seeks to buy your votes so you don’t give them to a bunch of filthy commies who think nurses shouldn’t be using food banks.

Nurses! Get to Waitrose and go home and cook lobster! The wait is over.

As to that mantra repeated ad nauseum for years about balancing the books? It’s gone. Theresa May never really believed in it anyway.