Nuttall loses close personal seats in election disaster

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Accident prone Paul Nuttall, leader of UKIP, faced fresh tragedy today after learning that all his ‘close personal seats’ were lost in an election...
Michael McIntyre

Comic Relief to be just Michael McIntyre and a bunch of Russells in future

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The BBC announced today that all future Comic Relief events will simply be Michael McIntyre and people called Russell running around and doing observational...
Alcoholics Anonymous logo

Automobile Association and Alcoholics Anonymous getting mixed up on a massive scale

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People have been mixing up the Automobile Association and Alcoholics Anonymous on a massive scale, it has emerged. Things came to a head recently when...

Town of Hamelin hire Anna Soubry to rid itself of Problem Gammons

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Hamelin Town Hall has announced today that they have struck a deal with Anna Soubry to end their problems with flocks of Gammons in...

Interflora agent admits to killing Lady Di in deathbed confession shock

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Alleged deathbed confession implicates both floral delivery service and royal family in assassination plot In a shock announcement that has been doing the rounds on...
Badger

Badger fed up with receiving ‘Bristle-enhancing Pills’ emails

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Brock Hampstead, a male badger from the New Forest, has started a campaign targeting what he claims is speciesist profiling by advertisers. "I know that...
Bearded "hipster"

Hipster twats demand clean shaven white twats condemn terror twats

1
Nathan Barley led calls today for clean shaven white twats to “take responsibility for their community.” “It is imperative, at this time of national crisis,...
hiker

People who go for walks but don’t own a dog are a bit weird...

The Kennel club released a statement this afternoon saying that people who don't own a dog but go for a daily walk are a bit weird, probably up to something and should be approached with caution.
Queen and Duke

Queen undergoes Duke of Edinburgh replacement operation

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The Queen has undergone a successful operation to have the Duke of Edinburgh replaced. Doctors at King Charle's hospital in London said the operation had...
Windy Out

It’s a bit windy out

3
People all over the UK who have ears and access to either a door or a window have confirmed that it's a bit windy...
Unhappy Writer

Writing satire ‘not even possible anymore’

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Authors of satirical magazines and websites across the globe have confirmed that reality has now overtaken the worst piss-taking they could ever imagine. "Donald Trump...

Muppet fury over South West Trains slur

Muppets across Britain are furious today after learning that the name of their species was used as a slur to describe vandals by an...
Fried Chicken

Conservatives offer new members discount card at Kentucky Fried Pheasant

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Conservative Party Central Office have announced this week that new members will be recieve a variety of benefits including discounts at Michael Gove's new...

Husband remembers to do thing

There were ecstatic scenes in Rochdale this afternoon after a Middleton resident remembered to do the thing he'd been asked to do earlier in...

Theresa May announces Leyland Daf to build next generation Brexit-fighter in Preston

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Theresa May has announced that the UK will be leaving the Eurofighter Programme immediately. BAE Systems will be closing its Eurofighter factory in the...
Teenage Pregnancy

Sex education in primary schools should be banned, says Burnley gran, 19

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Sex education has been given the thumbs down by Burnley gran Ellie-Mae-Leigh Horne. 19 year old Ellie-Mae-Leigh, whose eldest daughter Chelsea-Leigh has just given...

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