Home Secretary Amber Rudd has announced that envelopes will be banned from the end of the month.
The Home Office has also announced that all letters will have to go through a GCHQ censor, re-education camps for government critics will be opened on Dartmoor, marijuana will be legalised and made compulsory and football stadia across the country will host amazing spectacles in which immigrants will fight lions, while cheap beer and pies are made available.
The wide-ranging changes are as a result of the Westminster attack, when minutes before going on the rampage, the perpetrator used WhatsApp to send an encrypted message.
“Envelopes make it difficult, if not impossible, to read the contents of letters…”, said Rudd, “…it is important for the security services to be able to know exactly what people are saying about the government, so we can hunt them down and kill…er, sorry, reflect honestly on the criticism.”
The government have spent £20 million on thick black indelible markers so that censors can redact sensitive information. “Anti-government sentiment is all very well…”, explained Rudd, “…but it can lead to acts of violence. That’s why this government is spending money on opening re-education centres for people critical of government policy. To paraphrase one of our greatest leaders, ‘re-education, re-education, re-education.'” The internment camps will have pro-government slogans repeated by loudspeakers in all the huts 24 hours a day.
In further moves, marijuana will be used as a compulsory mood enhancer throughout the population, with posters featuring Amber Rudd and the slogan: “Better a Toke Than an Anti-Government Joke!” on display in railway stations and billboards. To keep the masses happy, football stadia across the country will host huge government sponsored ‘circuses’ in which immigrants and refugees will fight lions and other wild beasts. Beer will be sold for £1 per pint, and pies will be ‘given away’ for practically nothing.
“This will keep immigration at a record low and keep bigots happily amused for hours. We’re killing two immigrants with one stone…”, said Rudd.