Dirty Danczuk disappoints again

Weary Rochdale let out yet another groan of despair after yet more revelations of the serial text pest and pornography enthusiast Simon Danczuk's sex life hit the papers again. This time it's a 22 year...
Paul Nuttall

Britain’s oldest man, Paul Nuttall, has died.

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Sir Paul Nuttall, VC, OBE, Ph.D, passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday, hours before his 108th birthday. Sir Paul was the first man to swim the Channel underwater (he did it for a bet...
Family roast dinner

RSPCA urges pet owners to at least season with salt and pepper before leaving...

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In the current heat wave the RSPCA has urged pet owners to undertake special precautionary measures when traveling with their furry friends this bank holiday weekend. "In this weather you should not be leaving a...
Spaniel

Family dog dutifully tells sleeping baby that there’s somebody at the door

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A dutiful family dog has very helpfully informed a sleeping baby that there is somebody at the door. The seven year old Cocker Spaniel made the announcement at about 8pm this evening shortly after his...
Birmingham Park in Snow

‘No Bad News Day’ in West Midlands after all morons are snowed-in

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The West Midlands is experiencing record low levels of bad news and buffoonery as the majority of the population took advantage of a plausible day off work. As regular viewers of the Express & Star...

Tories announce mass culling of Wombles

Animal rights protesters were today up in arms after the news that the culling of Wombles is to go ahead as recent indications suggest they are rife with TB. The rarely seen pointy nosed golden...
Alan Rickman

There’s nothing more Christmassy than seeing German Terrorist fall out of window, confirm men

Men around the world have confirmed that it's not Christmas until they have seen either a German terrorist or a half naked prostitute fall from the window of a sksyscraper. "It's a close run thing...

Trump storms out of NATO summit after Justin Trudeau appears in orange face

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Donald Trump has flounced off from a NATO summit after Justin Trudeau appeared to mock his appearance by appearing in 'orange face'. The incident took place this afternoon when Prime Minister Trudeau addressed a press...

Corbyn press relationship hits the buffers following Traingate 

Jeremy Corbyn had an uncomfortable day today as he was asked a series of questions by journalists after being caught bullshitting about the state of the East Coast Mainline. Corbyn rounded on a reporter who...

Britain faces Sophie’s choice over which incompetent arsehole leads it

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Britain has revealed it is spoiled for choice on which incompetent aresehole it has leading it. A spokesman told us, "Everyone is cheering at the prospect of a fresh Prime Minister with new ideas to...
Conspiracy Theorists

Conspiracy theorists disappointed to learn nobody is in charge

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Two Rochdale conspiracy theorists have been telling the Herald that they've come to the conclusion that nobody is in charge. The pair, known only as X-file and Opus Dei to protect their identity from Government...

Nuttall Lost Close Personal Friends When They Discovered He Was An Arsehole

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UKIP leader Paul Nuttall lost 'close personal friends' when they discovered he was a bigoted, racist arsehole. “People started to shun me and sometimes even turned their backs on me when I walked into a...

Bra fitters feel a right pair of tits after revealing the size of the...

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Bra fitters Rigby & Peller have lost their Royal warrant after Buckingham Palace cancelled its contract with the company after they revealed intimate details of the Queen's bra size. The makers of the Royal over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder...

Tories secure parent vote after abolishing school holidays, weekends and Christmas

Parents up and down the country have thrown their support behind the Conservatives today after details emerged of a radical new plan to abolish school holidays and send children to school for 12 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days of the year.
Burkha

MP’s staff to wear burkas in effort to make them less alluring to MP’s

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MP's have demanded that a new dress code be brought in for their staff to make them less alluring sexually. It's hoped that the new dress code which requires all staff members to wear...

White nationalists boycott Black Friday claiming all Fridays matter

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A number of white nationalist groups have joined together in a boycott against the post-Thanksgiving consumer event known as Black Friday. Black Friday has been an annual event in the US for many years and...

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