Duke of Edinburgh embroiled in food poisoning compensation scam

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The Duke of Edinburgh is reported to have become embroiled in a food poisoning compensation scam scandal today just hours after being discharged from King Edward VIIII's hospital in Battersea. The Duke is rumoured to...
Lemmings jumpring from cliff

Lemming suicide myth rebunked

For many years the myth persisted that Lemmus lemmus, known to you and I as the lemming, would inexplicably hurl itself into the abyss during their annual migration. Or is it a myth? Researchers...

Prince William’s asking about legalizing drugs “for a friend”

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Following news today that Prince William asked various drug users about their views on current drug laws, The Rochdale Herald was approached by a source close to royal. Well, a source who knows someone...

Brexit Halloween Threat

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Preparations for the commercialisation of an ancient pagan tradition were thrown into disarray today when importers of Halloween costumes reported that due to poor value of the pound, they were unable to procure enough...
Kicked in the balls

London pints to come with free kick in knackers from 2019

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Consumers concerned with the rising price of alcohol in the UK received a welcome boost today, as it was confirmed all boozers in the capital will offer a free kick in the knackers with...
Tony the Tiger

Tony the Tiger loses paw to Type 2 diabetes

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Tony the Tiger, the face of the Frosties breakfast cereal brand since 1952, has according to sources, lost a paw to Type 2 diabetes. Mr The Tiger has apparently been suffering from Type 2 diabetes...

Daily Mail demands children be taught anatomy using dead bodies of their teachers

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The Daily Mail has today announced that school pupils in England should be taught anatomy using the dead bodies of their previously living teachers. In an article entitled, 'Let our teachers be heros' ...

What time is it Mr Woolfe?

Steven Woolfe, a total barrister who serves as a legal adviser to hedge fund managers and bankers narrowly missed his chance to become replacement Man Of The People by not filling the application in...

UK moves to a pocket full of posies phase of Coronavirus plan

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The Government has this morning announced, it has begun the "pocket full of posies" phase of its Coronavirus plan. Spokesman Bill Board said, "We use the same system that was designed in the 17th century...

First Briton shocks Britain First

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Researchers from London's natural history Museum have presented the results of analysis of DNA from 'Cheddar Man', Britain's oldest complete skeleton, prompting a spokesman for the far-right group Britain First to splutter "but....but....but....". Scientists...
Theresa May

Theresa May to change name to Votey McVoteface to secure youth vote

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Prime Minister Theresa May will change her name to Votey McVoteface ahead of this Thursday's general election. With the election a matter of hours away and with Jeremy Corbyn's Labour Party snapping at the Tories'...

G4S wins plum contract to monitor domestic waste disposal inside homes

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David David MP, the Minister for Local Government was forced into the public gaze today to confirm that G4S has been awarded the coveted contract to monitor domestic waste disposal inside peoples' homes. The groundbreaking...
Theresa May

Theresa May – the facts

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Theresa May - the facts She is planning to get Hello magazine to do an exclusive of her luxury life in No 10 2. She owns a talking mirror and can send an entire kingdom...

Nuttall loses close personal seats in election disaster

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Accident prone Paul Nuttall, leader of UKIP, faced fresh tragedy today after learning that all his ‘close personal seats’ were lost in an election catastrophe. Grim-faced Paul had returned home after spending time on the...

Trident satnav and sellotape cutbacks a mistake admits Michael Fallon

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Top honcho at the MOD, the right honourable Sir Michael Fallon MP, has admitted that cutbacks in the Trident programme may have contributed to the near-nuking of the US last year. So what were these...

Children of middle class parents begin Christmas paperwork

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The children of middle class parents all over the country are celebrating the rest of their holidays by doing paperwork.

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