Britain prepares to spend weekend listening to pensioners contrived war stories

British pensioners are gearing up for this weekend’s festival of remembrance by remembering their contrived war stories. Many, like 78 year old Justin Case, spent a great deal of the war throwing up, pooing into...

Hampstead Heath Glory Holes to close in respect for George Michael

Regular visitors to Hampsted Heath have been informed all glory holes will be closed from tomorrow as a mark of respect to George Michael. A mass of floral tribute has already began to appear outside...

Tears of remainers used to put out Saddleworth Moor fire

Lancashire Fire Brigade have announced they're considering using the tears of remainers to put out the flames on the top of Saddleworth Moor. Fire Officer Asif Hose told us, "The fires have been blazing for...

Corbyn train lie proves case for nationalisation

After it was revealed today that Jeremy Corbyn lied about having to sit on the floor of a train he claimed was ram packed, Team Corbyn have admitted it was all a clever ruse. "Jeremy...

It’s a Global Thing, insists Brexit economist

Rochdale financial expert and three times bankrupt Brexit economist Ivana Sendham-Bach claimed today that the announcement that the UK was about to enter a recession was not connected to the EU referendum results. "I know...

Storm Eleanor wreaks havoc after gate left open on wind farm

Met Office issues "risk to life" warnings with wind speeds over 80mph expected overnight. It has been revealed that Storm Eleanor, the latest storm to rock the British Isles, started when someone left a gate...

BBC expose puts police behind Barr’s

A shock revelation on BBC Breakfast this morning revealed that British police forces are using fizzy drink to subdue suspects. The footage was taken from the body-cam of an officer who appears to be from...
Babybel

Criticism as Babybel announces ‘Baby Cheeses’ advent calendar

The company that makes Babybel cheese has faced criticism from a right wing group over its "Baby Cheeses" advent calendar. The company had announced the launch of the advent calendar yesterday. It features a different...

Stonehenge to be knocked down to make way for new Super-Mosque

Details leaked from an article due to be published in the Daily Mail show plans to bulldoze the famous neolithic landmark to make way for a place of worship for Salisbury Plain's burgeoning Muslim...

Riot Police and Protestors Come Together to Help Fat Man out of Jeans

There were touching scenes at The Moderates against Moderation riot in the car park outside Rochdale's now infamous Waitrose as police and rioters came together to help a fat man out of his trousers. Steve...

McVitie’s and Walkers crisps back plans to decriminalise cannabis

Mcvities and Walkers crisps have allegedly got behind a backbench revolt to decriminalise cannabis. Plans are already being made to reclassify cannabis from a class B drug to a totally legal drug. A McVitie's spokesman,...

Harry and Meghan choose poisonous flowers for wedding as symbol of their love

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have announced they've chosen to symbolise their love with poisonous flowers. Digitalis or, Foxgloves as they're more commonly known will be part of Harry and Meghan's spring themed wedding. Dr Frederick...
Buckingham Palace

Donald Trump declares Buckingham Palace ‘shit hole’ and offers to pay for repairs.

After a petition to stop the orange Hitler visiting the Queen passed 1.7 million signatures, the tyrannical dictator offered to meet the new President in secret. Hair Force 1 arrived at Buckingham Palace just after...
Anger as southerners omit cockwomble from the OFCOM Swearing Top 10

Anger as Southerners Omit Cockwomble from the OFCOM Swearing Top 10

There was anger on the streets of Rochdale last night as "Cockwomble" was controversially left out of Ofcom's Top 10 of swear words. Ofcom, an organisation notoriously dominated by Cockney Wankers filling the sort of...

Muppet fury over South West Trains slur

Muppets across Britain are furious today after learning that the name of their species was used as a slur to describe vandals by an announcer on a South West train. The furry creatures (proper name...

Boris Johnson discovers he’s won half a speedboat at Chequers

Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and David Davis have won half a speedboat at the Conservative Party away day at Chequers today. The trio were awarded their prize by Theresa May after they won the...

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