National News

Weary Rochdale let out yet another groan of despair after yet more revelations of the serial text pest and pornography enthusiast Simon Danczuk's sex life hit the papers again. This time it's a 22 year...

Sir Paul Nuttall, VC, OBE, Ph.D, passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday, hours before his 108th birthday. Sir Paul was the first man to swim the Channel underwater (he did it for a bet...

In the current heat wave the RSPCA has urged pet owners to undertake special precautionary measures when traveling with their furry friends this bank holiday weekend. "In this weather you should not be leaving a...

A dutiful family dog has very helpfully informed a sleeping baby that there is somebody at the door. The seven year old Cocker Spaniel made the announcement at about 8pm this evening shortly after his...

The West Midlands is experiencing record low levels of bad news and buffoonery as the majority of the population took advantage of a plausible day off work. As regular viewers of the Express & Star...

Animal rights protesters were today up in arms after the news that the culling of Wombles is to go ahead as recent indications suggest they are rife with TB. The rarely seen pointy nosed golden...

Men around the world have confirmed that it's not Christmas until they have seen either a German terrorist or a half naked prostitute fall from the window of a sksyscraper. "It's a close run thing...

Donald Trump has flounced off from a NATO summit after Justin Trudeau appeared to mock his appearance by appearing in 'orange face'. The incident took place this afternoon when Prime Minister Trudeau addressed a press...

Jeremy Corbyn had an uncomfortable day today as he was asked a series of questions by journalists after being caught bullshitting about the state of the East Coast Mainline. Corbyn rounded on a reporter who...

Britain has revealed it is spoiled for choice on which incompetent aresehole it has leading it. A spokesman told us, "Everyone is cheering at the prospect of a fresh Prime Minister with new ideas to...

Two Rochdale conspiracy theorists have been telling the Herald that they've come to the conclusion that nobody is in charge. The pair, known only as X-file and Opus Dei to protect their identity from Government...

UKIP leader Paul Nuttall lost 'close personal friends' when they discovered he was a bigoted, racist arsehole. “People started to shun me and sometimes even turned their backs on me when I walked into a...

Bra fitters Rigby & Peller have lost their Royal warrant after Buckingham Palace cancelled its contract with the company after they revealed intimate details of the Queen's bra size. The makers of the Royal over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder...

Parents up and down the country have thrown their support behind the Conservatives today after details emerged of a radical new plan to abolish school holidays and send children to school for 12 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days of the year.

MP's have demanded that a new dress code be brought in for their staff to make them less alluring sexually. It's hoped that the new dress code which requires all staff members to wear...

A number of white nationalist groups have joined together in a boycott against the post-Thanksgiving consumer event known as Black Friday. Black Friday has been an annual event in the US for many years and...