Ryanair

Birmingham Airport begins Windows 10 update

Birmingham Airport officials have announced they've accidentally started a Windows 10 update. The update is alleged to have caused the air traffic control centre to close down. A spokesman told us, "At 3 this afternoon...

Prince Harry ruled unfit for work by ATOS

Prince Harry has been ruled unfit for work by ATOS after attending a work capability assessment. "The Prince was sanctioned last month after he missed his first appointment; the excuse given was that he was...
Ecstasy

SHOCK after ECSTASY tablet found to contain traces of MDMA

Rochdale Police today issued a warning to recreational drug users that Ecstasy tablets are being sold in the local area that actually contain some proper drugs. 3000 tablets containing a small amount of the psychoactive...

Jeremy Corbyn Guarantees Tory Win By Not Jerking Knee

The chance of Conservative Party rule evaporated today. Jeremy Corbyn is to talk about the nuances of foreign policy and its consequences. "It's an outrage!" stated Morris Simple, a Rochdale builder and flag waving aficionado. "I was...

Forecasters predict Christmas will be a fraught and expensive ordeal

Economic experts are forecasting that Christmas 2017 will see a double digit percentage increase in cost to the average family, based on a basket of seasonal goods. Levels of fraughtness are expected to peak at...

Extra hour…or do we lose one? Anyway clock change thingy happens

The half of the nation whose oven clocks are correct swapped places with the half whose oven clocks are an hour or twelve out last night. The six monthly ritual celebrates the fact that we...
Fireworks

Arseholes unaware it’s not the Fifth of November

Arseholes up and down the country are unaware that it is not the fifth of November, it has been confirmed. From London to Liverpool, the nation’s arseholes are setting off fireworks with no regard for...
Grimsby

Earthquake rescue workers assured Grimsby is fine, it’s supposed to look like that

Earthquake rescue teams from around the globe were told to stand down today after they descended en masse on Grimsby in Lincolnshire following reports of a massive humanitarian disaster. Search and Rescue teams from the...

Gay traffic lights turn pavements to mince

Transport for London have overstepped the mark by introducing gay traffic lights according to Rochdale father of two, Arthur Branesell. "Its outrageous! There's one with two women holding hands. How am I supposed to know...
Alan Rickman

Man falls to death after Christmas party gets out of hand

A German national has plummeted to his death after a Christmas party at the Nakatomi Tower in Los Angeles got a little bit out of hand. Herr Gruber was pronounced dead at the scene after...

New royal baby to be called Mohammed and raised gender neutral

The Duchess of Sussex Megan Markle has today given birth to a healthy child after a quick labour. Prince Harry is reported as delighted, as is his Great-Grandfather, Prince Philip, who is reportedly over the...
Corbyn

Fresh controversy as Corbyn pictured wearing a Beret and eating Scallops

Jeremy Corbyn has caused fresh controversy by appearing on BBC Breakfast wearing a Beret and eating Normandy Scallops. Mr Corbyn was appearing to deny yesterday's controversy when the incident happened prompting floods of complaints...

Nuttall lost close personal election in Stoke

Tragedy stricken leader of UKIP, Paul Nuttall (105), faced fresh disaster yesterday when he lost a close personal election in Stoke. "Everything was looking good, we were confident our misguided and bigoted message was getting...
Prince Philip

Prince Philip denies sending Harry and Megan packet of mystery white powder

The Duke of Edinburgh has strenuously denied sending Prince Harry and Megan Marckle a toxic package. The parcel was left on Harry and Megan's doorstep on Wednesday night. A Palace aide said, "Harry and Megan...
Love

You don’t know what love is ’til you hold your baby for the first...

Forget looking into your bride's eyes on your wedding day, you don't know what love is until you become a parent and hold your baby for the first time, says a patronising twat. Hugh Donnow,...
Cocker Spaniel

Cocker Spaniel has reasonable and sensible response to doorbell

Reports are coming in that a cocker spaniel has had a perfectly reasonable and sensible reaction to somebody ringing the doorbell. The incident occurred when the eight-year-old black Cocker Spaniel called Graham heard the doorbell...

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