National News

Journalists and other easily baffled people were today up in arms that a thing being tested didn't work as planned. Idiots the country over were shocked to be told that highly complicated and expensive systems...

There was befuddlement all over the UK this morning after every motorist in the country reported that the clock in the car is mysteriously showing the correct time. According to sources the clock in the...

Manufacturers of gigantic cardboard rockets and inflatable tanks have reported record profits for April following Kim Jong Un's massive display of military force. "It's been an amazing quarter to be honest," Chinese factory owner Sum...

Looking outside this morning millions of British citizens were confronted by an unusually shade of overcast and the sun glowing a curious red. Researchers from the Met Office say the unique colour was likely caused...

Amber Rudd was today left with egg on her face after a leaked email detailing a new strategy to combat immigration levels and increase what the government has labelled the 'assisted return' of migrants...

Environmentalists have conceded that the environment has been saved and the ice caps are no longer melting after a Rochdale man remembered to take a carrier bag with him to Asda this afternoon. Rochdale man...

Total wankers around the country have responded to increases in the foreign aid budget by insisting that charity begins at home. The wankers, who can usually be seen stepping over homeless people and carefully avoiding...

The Kennel club released a statement this afternoon saying that people who don't own a dog but go for a daily walk are a bit weird, probably up to something and should be approached with caution.

Devastated pensioner Richard Branson, whose home was destroyed by Hurricane Irma, has been overwhelmed by Virgin product customers who have agreed to continue to pay over the odds for second rate services so that...

Home Sec Diane Abbott has been off sick since cancelling her appearance on Woman's Hour yesterday but has she been sacked? Jeremy Corbyn was giving nothing away when he told BBC Breakfast that she had...

Hundreds of thousands of rail passengers face actually going to work as the RMT told Southern Rail employees to actually do their jobs. Staff will walk-in for 48 hours at midnight. A further 24-hour working...

Prime Minister Theresa May today admitted that the 'Brexit Bill', allowing her to trigger the Article 50 exit clause from the European Union had been drafted, over a liquid lunch, on the back of a napkin...

Whitehall: A Conservative cabinet minister who went on the loose for about six hours after escaping from his enclosure has been safely recaptured. The animal, called Gove, was initially thought to have fled from the...

Town centres are chock full of topless, pasty white fat pricks for some reason according to sources. For some reason thousands upon thousands of fat men have forgotten to get dressed for the second day...

As reported yesterday, Muslim women have been on the streets in an adapted version of the burka in an attempt to integrate with middle aged gutbucket blokes from bastions of western civilisation such as...

A laptop in an office in Rochdale has undergone a comprehensive software update without completely screwing up his owner’s day. The laptop, which is an old Dell that has been dropped several times, made the...