Neath

Earthquake rescue workers reassured that Wales is fine, it’s supposed to look like that

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Earthquake rescue teams from around the globe were told to stand down today after they descended en masse on Neath in South Wales following reports of a massive humanitarian disaster. Search and Rescue teams from...

Nation Ecstatic As Dapper Laughs Finally Disappears Up Own Arse

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Finally some good news! The nation was overcome with emotion today as positive confirmation came through that sexual assault based 'comedian' and professional pick up artist Dapper Laughs had at long last vanished up...
Man thinking

Dad thinking about thinking about starting his Christmas shopping

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A Rochdale Dad has broken protocol by announcing that he has begun thinking about thinking about starting his Christmas shopping with more than a week to go till Christmas. Parenting authorities were called to an...
Tommy Robinson

Tommy Robinson disappointed Korean Barbeque wasn’t a book burning

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Tommy Robinson has been explaining his disappointment at attending what he thought would be aa Koran burning event that turned out to be a Korean Barbeque. Robinson, speaking exclusively to The People's Friend said "I...
Gin Drinking Middle Class

CRISIS as supermarkets RUN OUT of fancy tonic forcing MIDDLE CLASS to drink OWN...

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The sunny weather forecast for the bank holiday weekend has led to panic buying of certain summer essentials. There have been reports of chronic shortages of Gin and Tonic, Pimms and Sauvignon Blanc. Concerns were...
Dog

There’s way more to choosing where to poo than you realise Dog tells owner

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"There's way more to choosing where to poo than you realise" Bobby, a 5 year old Chocolate Lab from York has told The Rochdale Herald. Breaking his silence, Bobby said that it has been a...
Walking Holiday

Swiss banks confirm Theresa May’s walking holiday was great for business

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"Normally we only get foreign potentates, third world dictators, drug magnates and the odd closet Nazi holidaying here," said Herman Gnom, spokesman for Zurich's Lavamatbank explaining that footage of a genuine prime minister - even one with no majority, no mandate and about to be deposed by her own party has been a huge boost for Swiss banks' credibility.

Chinese cardboard rocket manufacturers report bumper earnings following Korean military parades

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Manufacturers of gigantic cardboard rockets and inflatable tanks have reported record profits for April following Kim Jong Un's massive display of military force. "It's been an amazing quarter to be honest," Chinese factory owner Sum...
Jeremy Hunt in the snow

Red Weather Warning as Conservative Politicians spotted with hands in own pockets

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With temperatures plummeting across the British Isles, many patriotic politicians are complaining at their lack of opportunities to escape the country. Conservative Politicians Jeremy Hunt, Liam Fox, Michael Gove, and David Davis were spotted walking...

Marines B, C, D, E, F & G escape court martial by not forgetfully...

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Today Marine B was quietly reflecting on the time he shot a badly wounded prisoner of war in Helmand. No one else ever heard about it because he remembered not to fucking film it. It's not...
Gay Pride

‘Just a phase’ movement finally represented at London Gay Pride

In another great victory for liberal tolerance, the much maligned "just a phase" movement will be properly recognised at tomorrow's London Pride. In between the many sexual identities and gender fluid marchers you will...

Next leaders debate to be chaired by Jeremy Kyle and feature Boris Johnson paternity...

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The next General Election leaders debate will feature a new format hosted by Jeremy Kyle. There will also be a paternity test at the end. Television producers are hoping that it will lead to...
High Court

Man who murdered colleague who spoke to him before first cup of coffee cleared...

A man who beat a colleague to death with a computer keyboard in what has been described as a frenzied attack has been cleared of all charges. In what is being hailed as a landmark...

Rochdale Herald exclusive – Prince Andrew tells us about Princess Beatrice’s wedding

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In a Rochdale Herald exclusive Prince Andrew tells us how the secret wedding of his daughter Beatrice went last week. 7am - Woken up by Maude, my maid carrying my breakfast in. She puts it...

Cute dog is a savage little shit

A survey of very cute little dogs has discovered that almost 99.9% of them are in fact savage little bastards. The survey which was carried out by Which Pet magazine has proven conclusively that all...
Angry Man

Google breaks under search query strain after hot weekend

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Google breaks under the strain of millions of Britons preparing their excuses for work on Monday morning. As millions of us check up on the exact symptoms of sunstroke, the search engine has given up...

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