Rochdale residents have reacted with anger after it was revealed that Rochdale has dropped from 4th to 9th in the UK’s childhood obesity ranking.

12 year old Frascati Deshawn told us, “It’s disappointing but I think it’s a reflection of a poor team effort. For the last 6 years my ambition has been to be the worlds fattest child. I’ve worked towards this dream by shovelling 5000 calories a day down my neck. I get pushed around in a specially adapted wheel chair and even have lessons at home so I don’t burn precious calories on the way to school.”

Malbec Hermitage told us, “As a parent you try to do what’s right for your kids. I used to go to the school at dinner time and post chips through the gates. Then they fell in with a bad crowd and started doing regular exercise. It’s dispiriting when they come home and they don’t want a 6 course meal. I try to do the bear minimum and give them a suet pie made with lard before they go out but they just bin it and buy a pasta salad with their pocket money.”

One Rochdale councillor has been telling us what the council might do to reverse this trend. “When you look at it the solution is obvious. We need to add nicotine to food. If we start with baby food we can get them young. Then we’ll had nicotine to all sorts of high calorie food. This way the kids will be wanting food to feed their habit and they’ll become obese.”

Rochdale celebrities have been getting in on the act. Lisa Stansfield is rumoured to be so disturbed she intends to sponsor special feeding initiatives. She’s alleged to have told her assistant, “We’re lower than Burnley or even Keighley for f#!! sake. What are these active kids doing? We need to get a charity gig together and make sure we feed these kids properly.”

Some of the councils plans to reverse the trend can be revealed exclusively by the Herald. People will be rewarded as local heros if the injure joggers or run cyclists over. The council has given the go ahead to the building to 4000 more fried food outlets and thin people will be shamed in the street and force fed Greggs pasties.

It’s hoped that these measures will start to reverse Rochdale’s descent into he’ll.


I was born in 1877 in Birmingham. In 1922 I won the Nobel prize for Chemistry for my discovery, by means of my mass spectrograph, of isotopes, in a large number of non-radioactive elements, and for my enunciation of the whole number rule. I paved the way for a lot of what is possible in modern anal chemistry. I did nothing from that point until I started writing for the Rochdale Herald. This is by far my greatest achievement. I enjoy baking, taking small shots of Strychnine and cross country skiing.