Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Boris Johnson

Allegations 15,000 dick pics discovered on Boris Johnson’s Foreign Office issued mobile phone

The Foreign Office has denied allegations that a mobile phone issued to Boris Johnson when he was Foreign Secretary was found to contain 15,000 dick pics. A Foreign Office insider, Ivor Biggin told us, "It's...

London celebrates first “Gammon Pride” event

Scotland Yard and the Met Police are bracing for potential violent clashes at a "Gammon Pride" event being held in London today. The event will see gammons from all over the country converge on London...
Superdry

Superdry jumpers are actually a completely normal amount of dry, reveal scientists

Scientists from Rochdale Community University have proven conclusively that Superdry jumpers are, in fact, just a normal amount of dry like all other jumpers. The multi-million pound study was funded with a grant from the...
Alan Rickman

There’s nothing more Christmassy than seeing German Terrorist fall out of window, confirm men

Men around the world have confirmed that it's not Christmas until they have seen either a German terrorist or a half naked prostitute fall from the window of a sksyscraper. "It's a close run thing...

Santa Claus Denied Visa to Enter UK

The Herald has discovered that father Christmas has been denied a visa to enter the UK on Christmas Eve, amid fears he may decide to settle and bring his entire family. Father Christmas, real name...

Warning issued after teetotal vegan non-smoker bores himself to death

Fresh concerns have been raised over the safety of healthy lifestyles after a study found that people following them invariably die eventually anyway. A team of scientists from Rochdale's Community University found that people who...
Empty bus seats

Thirty nine bus seats arrested in counter-terrorism operation

In what police are describing as a “significant” counter-terrorism operation, thirty nine bus seats were arrested today on suspicion of being involved in jihadist activities. It is believed that police were alerted at around 8am...

Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle should settle rift with bikini jelly wrestling demand Daily...

Daily Express readers have today demanded that Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton settle their differences with a bout of bikini jelly wrestling. Express reader, Ian Blind told us, "The people have spoken. It's our will...
Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn pictured laying wreath with international terrorists, arms dealers and mass murderers

Jeremy Corbyn is once again under fire after being photographed at a wreath laying event with a bunch of  terrorists, mass murderers, international arms dealers and baby killers. The Labour leader had been asked why...
Theresa May

Theresa May negotiates paying full price for a DFS sofa

Theresa May has succeeded in negotiating paying full price on a sofa from DFS. Mrs May was returning from Salzburg following the most disappointing trip to Austria since Kara Mustafa got to 17th Century Vienna...

?Britain First & UKIP oddly quiet about white family abusing student visa rules

Quite why the public aren't offended by the white, middle class family trying to buck the immigration system is baffling academics as anti-immigration campaigners are strangely quiet about an Australian family who came to...

People who make flammable models to face higher standard of justice than people who...

The people who burnt a model of the Grenfell tower on bonfire should face a much higher standard of justice than the people who made the flats into a tinderbox in the first place...
Big Ben

Big Ben to be renamed Massive Mohammed from 2018

Equality campaigners have welcomed plans to rename Big Ben as part of a project celebrating London's rich cultural heritage. The famous landmark, which is due to undergo extensive refurbishment next week, is to be called...
Prince Philip

Prince Philip deemed fit to work after ATOS work capability assessment

Prince Philip has today gone under the knife for surgery on his dodgy hip. However 30 minutes later he was deemed fit to work in an ATOS work capability assessment. "He's able to walk, talk and use his...
Dignity

Bin man feared dead after ship called Dignity found wrecked off west coast

Fears are growing this evening for a Glasgow bin man whose boat has been found wrecked off the west coast of Scotland. The man, a worker for Glasgow council for twenty years, known to his...

Theresa May to Naked Mud Wrestle Nicola Sturgeon for the Right to Trigger Brexit

British Prime Minister Theresa May is to mud wrestle naked with Scottish nationalist leader Nicola Sturgeon for the right to trigger article 50 to take the United Kingdom out the European Union. Sources close to the prime...

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