The people who burnt a model of the Grenfell tower on bonfire should face a much higher standard of justice than the people who made the flats into a tinderbox in the first place Government Ministers and public officials have announced.

Montague Bassington-Bassington MP told us, “It’s important with such a tragedy that we consider all the facts. Having thoroughly reviewed the evidence the fact is that a sizeable portion of my investment portfolio is in cladding companies. It would be quite terrible if this came out in open court so it’s probably best if the wheels of justice turn slowly on this one. Those people who performed that despicable act? Throw the book at them. I’m not invested in Elizabeth Duke and sovereign rings.”

A Spokesman for London Mayor Sadiq Khan said, “It definitely is in the public interest that these people are prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Grenfell was a tragedy. But we don’t want too big a court case otherwise it Mr Khan’s role in the decision not to install sprinklers in high rise flats a few years ago may come to light. He’s going to be trying for re-election soon.”

One Grenfell survivor told us, “It was very upsetting seeing the model going up in flames online. But not as upsetting as it was on the night and definitely not as upsetting as it is that I’m still homeless almost 18 months later and the people who clad my flat are still living in their homes. That’s probably more upsetting.”

The 5 who burnt the model and handed themselves into police last night will be questioned today by police. They will then be publically hanged, drawn and quartered live, on next Wednesday’s episode of Loose Women. The people who clad the Grenfell tower are rumoured to be planning on watching the event from the safety of a villa in the Caribbean.

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.