Prince Philip has today relinquished his public duties due to his long service and old age.

However 30 minutes later he was deemed fit to work in an ATOS work capability assessment.

“He’s able to walk, talk and use his hands, that’s a hell of a lot more than most of the scrounging malingerers we approve.” Said a spokesman for the Department of Work and Pensions.

The Duke of Edinburgh is expected to start an upaid work placement as a check out assistant in Greggs, after he steps down from his current role in August.

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19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist.

Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat.

Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.