A man has told the Rochdale Herald that he’s protecting the statue of Winston Churchill in Whitehall because, “You’d be speaking German if it wasn’t for Churchill”, before giving a Nazi salute. Retired football hooligan, Bill Board attended todays rally to protect the statue from vandals.

One witness said, “It’s all a bit strange. They keep saying they’re protecting a statue that’s in a box to protect it. They also seem to be attacking the police as a way of achieving this aim. It does seem strange as so many of these people have spent the week pretending to care about the welfare of horses however, I’m pretty sure chucking beer bottles at horses isn’t part of their welfare.”

Winston Churchill is said to be bemused by the whole thing. He told us, “Why am I being protected by people marching up Whitehall throwing Nazi salutes? If that had have happened when I were alive you’d have needed to put me in a box to stop me shooting them.”

It’s thought that an absence of football and horse racing has left many people unable to trash towns and cities in England meaning they’re well up for a fight with the police today. One told us, “I’m here to stop antifa. Of course I have no idea if it’s an actual organisation or just something I’ve read about uncritically on a meme. But my Grandad didn’t fight the Nazi’s so antifa could strut around telling me what to do.”

We asked antifa for a comment however, they don’t seem to actually exist as an organisation.


Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.