Houses of Parliament

People who squeeze teabag to be stripped of citizenship and deported

The whole of the UK has united behind the Home Secretary's decision to deport anybody who squeezes the teabag before removing it from the mug. People who squeeze teabags have been recognised as...
James Hewitt

James Hewitt ‘THRILLED’ at Prince Harry’s engagement to Megan Markle

James Hewitt has said he's 'thrilled' at the announcement of the engagement of Prince Harry to 'some sort from America'. "Many people don't know this, but I knew Harry's mother for many years and I...
Lemmings jumpring from cliff

Lemming suicide myth rebunked

For many years the myth persisted that Lemmus lemmus, known to you and I as the lemming, would inexplicably hurl itself into the abyss during their annual migration. Or is it a myth? Researchers...

New royal baby to be called Mohammed and raised gender neutral

The Duchess of Sussex Megan Markle has today given birth to a healthy child after a quick labour. Prince Harry is reported as delighted, as is his Great-Grandfather, Prince Philip, who is reportedly over the...
Prince Philip

Prince Philip deemed fit to work after ATOS work capability assessment

Prince Philip has today gone under the knife for surgery on his dodgy hip. However 30 minutes later he was deemed fit to work in an ATOS work capability assessment. "He's able to walk, talk and use his...
Jacob Rees Mogg

Scary brexiteer “Mogo” revealed to be a hoax

Jacob Rees-Mogg,known to the internet as "Mogo",the scary haunted Victorian doll,has been revealed to be a hoax. Pictures of Mogo have been popping up on various political media, with...
Meghan and Harry

Meghan Markle nominated for Oscar for her portrayal of woman in love with Prince...

As the New Year approaches rumours are already circulating about next year's Oscar nominations. An early nomination thrown into the frame is Meghan Markle.  The American actress has been nominated by the Academy for her...

Blitz spirit redefined as refusing to get off bus because somebody has a milkshake

Nigel Farage has confirmed that when he or his party talk of 'the Blitz spirit' he is referring to the act of cowering on the top deck of a bus because somebody...
HMS Queen Elizabeth

Three billion seems reasonable for boat with hole in it, says Government responsible for...

The people responsible for negotiating the UK's exit from the European Union have confirmed that three billion pounds is a completely reasonable sum of money to spend on a boat with a hole in...

Inner city youths escape prison for dogfighting by wearing red jackets and calling people...

Inner-city police are warning of the rise of a brutal new "sport" among the working classes, a savage, twisted parody of the fine ancient tradition of foxhunting, known among the poor and common as...

Theresa May to Naked Mud Wrestle Nicola Sturgeon for the Right to Trigger Brexit

British Prime Minister Theresa May is to mud wrestle naked with Scottish nationalist leader Nicola Sturgeon for the right to trigger article 50 to take the United Kingdom out the European Union. Sources close to the prime...
Dignity

Bin man feared dead after ship called Dignity found wrecked off west coast

Fears are growing this evening for a Glasgow bin man whose boat has been found wrecked off the west coast of Scotland. The man, a worker for Glasgow council for twenty years, known to his...
Earl Grey

Earl Grey tea is actually horrible, admit people who drink it

A woman from Rochdale has admitted that she doesn't really like Earl Grey tea because it tastes horrible. Winifred Barbarella from Milnrow (35 and three quarters), who wishes to remain anonymous, is an unemployed personal...
Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn pictured laying wreath with international terrorists, arms dealers and mass murderers

Jeremy Corbyn is once again under fire after being photographed at a wreath laying event with a bunch of  terrorists, mass murderers, international arms dealers and baby killers. The Labour leader had been asked why...
Stonehenge

Druids “fecking knackered” after moving Stonehenge an hour forward

With the season now officially spring, clocks up and down the nations have been moved forward one hour to adjust to British Summer Time; or if you are from Burnley, they just happen to...

One dead and two critical after fight over last packet of burger buns

At approximately one o'clock this afternoon emergency services were dispatched to the Cooperative convenience store in Middleton. The initial response was to investigate a report anti social behaviour. Reports since indicate that fighting had broken...

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