A town in the north west has signalled that it is having a Christmas market by erecting several sheds and a large tent in the centre.
Resident Bill Board said, “Brilliant, it’ll be just like when I went to Munich a few years ago. I’ll be able to turn up on Saturday afternoon, wander round looking at overpriced tinsel for 10 minutes then it’ll be off to the beer tent. 20 pints of Heineken later I’ll stagger out, be sick on my shoes and collapse in that doorway over there. I assume I’ll wake up tomorrow morning in a pool of my own pee and have to walk home because no taxi will take me.”
Councillor Cliff Edge said, “We’ve tried to incorporate more of these festival ideas together this year. Earlier this year we had our own New Orleans Mardi Gras parade. Obviously, it was devoid of brass bands, marching Indians or anything resembling Mardi Gras but it brought people together to drink Budweiser, listen to a DJ playing Wham songs and then have a fight.
Then, there was our festival of lights in October. We had a laser light show, sold everyone Cobra beer and had a DJ playing Wham songs. Then everyone had a fight. It really brought the community together.”
Market stall holder, Ivor Dikova said, “I run a specialist meat production company. Basically, I’m going to spend every day with ruddy faced men examining my game products like they’re gormands. After going into great detail on the provenance of my wild boar steaks they’ll settle for a pack of beef burgers or some sausages. They’ll then attempt to eat them raw after drinking 18 pints of Heineken when they get home.”
25 year old Anita Go said, “I love the Christmas markets. I’ll have a wander round the stalls then take a perfectly good bottle of red wine, add star anise to it and heat it up. Then I’ll pretend it’s the best thing ever because a lifetime of poor decisions has left me believing that this is nice. Then I’ll throw up on myself sometime tomorrow morning.”
Street musician, Steve Wade said, “Kill me, please. If I have to play “Lord of the Dance” for one more drunk person I’m going to beat them to death with some £20 tinsel.”
It’s understood that the Christmas market will go on until next February when it makes way for Mardi Gras.