Santa is to be denied entry to the UK under the new points based immigration system.

A Home Office spokesman told us, “The system rewards people with skills that are needed in Britain. For instance, if you’re a newspaper owner and you promise to brainwash people into keeping us in power then you get in. But Santa has no skills we require. He turns up with a load of toys and things for kids that he’s had made in a sweatshop in Lapland. This is completely putting British toy makers at risk.”

“Anyway, the name on his passport isn’t the same as who he’s claiming to be. Whoever heard of a Turkish bloke called Nicholas.”

“There’s also the small matter of his diet. A man that lives on mince pies and whisky could cost the NHS a fortune. There’s no way he’s coming in to drive reindeer whilst drunk. He has no proof that those reindeer aren’t carrying rabies or something.”

The move has been welcomed by some members of the public. Bill Board told us, “I never trusted him. There’s something about spending a month in a grotto having kids sit on your lap that’s a bit weird. And I bet he doesn’t pay road tax.”

Elsewhere, UKIP have come out in favour of the move. One spokesman said, “This is why we need Brexit. Bloody Turkish immigrants coming over here thinking they can touch our kids. Next there’s be hundreds of his relatives setting up kebab shops and opium dens and turning everyone Muslim. What do you mean he’s a Catholic saint?”


Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.