Inner city youths escape prison for dogfighting by wearing red jackets and calling people...

Inner-city police are warning of the rise of a brutal new "sport" among the working classes, a savage, twisted parody of the fine ancient tradition of foxhunting, known among the poor and common as...
Chris Grayling

Chris Grayling awards ferry contract to Nigerian Prince after receiving fortuitous email

Transport Secretary, Chris Grayling has announced that the Government have awarded a contract to provide ferries in the event of a no-deal Brexit. Grayling, the man who brought you...

Fears for local man missing in Ikea

Fears were increasing today for an intrepid, brave, noble man who has been missing in Ikea for 14 days. Steve Dickinson from Dukinfield was last seen descending the escalator at Ashton-Under-Lyne Ikea a...
Theresa May

Get behind my shit deal or we won’t be able to do dreadful thing,...

Theresa May has urged MP's to get behind her awful Brexit plan or risk not being able to have Brexit. With many people warning that it's a really stupid...
Farm Animals

Animals vote that MPs can’t feel pain or emotion

Following rejection by Parliament of the EU treaty to recognise animals as sentient beings, The Rochdale Herald has learned of a reaction by the UK animal kingdom to this news. The leader of the UK...
Dignity

Bin man feared dead after ship called Dignity found wrecked off west coast

Fears are growing this evening for a Glasgow bin man whose boat has been found wrecked off the west coast of Scotland. The man, a worker for Glasgow council for twenty years, known to his...
Queen and Philip

The Queen asks Merkel to form a government

Her Majesty the Queen is expected to travel to Berlin later today to ask German Chancellor Angela Merkel to form a government for the United Kingdom. This morning the royal spokesperson stated, "With such a pathetic...

Shake ‘n’ Vac composer to have ashes scattered on carpet and hoovered up by...

Following reports that the composer of the 1980's Shake 'n' Vac advertising jingle has died, a source close to his family has confirmed that his ashes will be scattered across a carpet by...
Clubbing

Couple looking forward to annual tedious night out, in dreadful nightclub with hideous people

A middle aged Rochdale couple are reportedly giddy with excitement about their annual tedious night out in a horrible club with hideous people  tonight. Barbara and Steve Dickinson have decided once again to go to...

Britain First blame Foreigner for it being Cold As Ice

We don't care if you've heard this joke before, because for us, it Feels Like The First Time. Dirty White Boy fan club Britain First have slammed Foreigner for it being Cold as Ice. This Foreigner...
Demolition

Council demolish victim’s home to erect memorial garden for dead burglar

In a surprise move today London councillors have confirmed plans to demolish the home of 78 year old Mr Osborn-Brooks and in its place start construction of a memorial garden to the dead burglar,...
Love

You don’t know what love is ’til you hold your baby for the first...

Forget looking into your bride's eyes on your wedding day, you don't know what love is until you become a parent and hold your baby for the first time, says a patronising twat. Hugh Donnow,...
Bono

Several million Irish sign petition to tie Bono to a fecking kite

The good people of the Emerald Isle know how to take advantage of this windy bollocks A petition to "tie Bono to a fecking kite" is now the most popular petition of Irish origins on...
Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn urges Labour MP’s to get behind Theresa May or risk making him...

Jeremy Corbyn has told Labour MP's that they had better get behind Theresa May and her, "And then there were none" vision of Brexit otherwise he risks becoming Prime Minister. One MP told us, "Jeremy...

Cute dog is a savage little shit

A survey of very cute little dogs has discovered that almost 99.9% of them are in fact savage little bastards. The survey which was carried out by Which Pet magazine has proven conclusively that all...
Die Hard 2

Gatwick drone operators arrested after shootout at abandoned church and ski-doo chase across frozen...

A team of former special-forces mercenaries have been arrested in connection with the criminal use of drones which has caused the widespread disruption to flights at Gatwick airport, police have told The Rochdale Herald. In...

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