National News

The people responsible for negotiating the UK's exit from the European Union have confirmed that three billion pounds is a completely reasonable sum of money to spend on a boat with a hole in...

Jaguar Land Rover has told employees that by making them redundant they are carrying out the will of the British people. Employee Bill Board told us, "It came as...

Scotland Yard and the Met Police are bracing for potential violent clashes at a "Gammon Pride" event being held in London today. The event will see gammons from all over the country converge on London...

A group of parents is said to have been left "absolutely fummin (sic)" after a child turned up to a local Halloween party dressed as a mosque. The child, understood to be a seven year-old...

Health campaigners in Scotland have urged the SNP government to take immediate action after an Edinburgh chip shop was found to be selling deep-fried Class A drugs. Described by some as "possibly the most Scottish...

Jim Bowen, the comedian and inventor of darts is to receive a full viking funeral. Mr Bowen, who invented the game of "darts" in the 1970's, died yesterday at the age of 80. He will...

Earthquake rescue teams from around the globe were told to stand down today after they descended en masse on Neath in South Wales following reports of a massive humanitarian disaster. Search and Rescue teams from...

Lewis Hamilton has upset slums all over the world by comparing them to Stevenage. The five-time Formula 1 world champion made the faux pas while on stage losing the BBC Sports Personality of the Year...

A Geordie is being criticised by social media users for posting an Instagram photo of her wearing a jacket during a night out on Tyneside. 26-year-old hairdresser, Cheryl Weedy, revealed her new look on Thursday...

Terrifying psychopaths around the country have taken time out from planning murders and disembowelling their neighbour's pets to tell The Rochdale Herald that they have already wrapped all of their Christmas presents. The UK's super-organised...

Theresa May has urged MP's to get behind her awful Brexit plan or risk not being able to have Brexit. With many people warning that it's a really stupid...

Birmingham Airport officials have announced they've accidentally started a Windows 10 update. The update is alleged to have caused the air traffic control centre to close down. A spokesman told us, "At 3 this afternoon...

There was massive relief for the owner of a constipated dog today, as their long search for the perfect dumping spot finally ended in the nation's capital. The owners of Bertie the Boxer were...

There were touching scenes at The Moderates against Moderation riot in the car park outside Rochdale's now infamous Waitrose as police and rioters came together to help a fat man out of his trousers. Steve...

The alarm was raised today after BBC documentary maker and explorer Professor Robert Falcon failed to emerge from Oldham after missing his rendezvous with the armoured extraction convoy, the 48 bus, by three hours. The...

As the New Year approaches rumours are already circulating about next year's Oscar nominations. An early nomination thrown into the frame is Meghan Markle.  The American actress has been nominated by the Academy for her...