Polite man starves to death whilst holding door open for ungrateful strangers

A polite man has starved to death in full view of the public while holding a door open for ungrateful strangers at the John Lewis Partnership flagship Rochdale department store. Barry McIntlock of Milnrow, a...
Rochdale-missile-launch.jpg

Rochdale’s secret Nuclear Past REVEALED

Shock revelations have shaken Rochdale to its very core as documents from the cold war have been declassified, revealing that the 7 sisters were a nuclear missile launch site throughout the 70's and 80's,...

Clock in car mysteriously right again

There was befuddlement all over the UK this morning after every motorist in the country reported that the clock in the car is mysteriously showing the correct time. According to sources the clock in the...
Scientists

Obvious Satire Still Confusing Idiots, Say Scientists 

Researchers at the esteemed Rochdale Community University have published a study today revealing that fool-proof satire is still not fool-proof.  "We gave some angry morons access to satire sites that publish on Facebook," said Dr...
Earl Grey

Earl Grey tea is actually horrible, admit people who drink it

A woman from Rochdale has admitted that she doesn't really like Earl Grey tea because it tastes horrible. Winifred Barbarella from Milnrow (35 and three quarters), who wishes to remain anonymous, is an unemployed personal...

‘One is married to Philip’ Queen reminds Public who think Trump too racist for...

Over 1.8 million Britons have signed a petition to deny a State Visit to nylon-haired snake-oil salesman and part-time President, Donald Trump.  The petition insists that Trump's racism, sexism and general vulgarity would cause embarrassment...
Paul Nuttall

Britain’s oldest man, Paul Nuttall, has died.

Sir Paul Nuttall, VC, OBE, Ph.D, passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday, hours before his 108th birthday. Sir Paul was the first man to swim the Channel underwater (he did it for a bet...
Mo Farah

QUEEN defends herself from MUSLIM IMMIGRANT with SWORD

According to reports in the Daily Mail today the Queen has been forced to defend herself from a marauding Muslim immigrant with a sword. A Daily Express staff witness said: "Liz was forced to tap...
Wrapping Presents

I’ve already wrapped all my Christmas presents, say terrifying psychopaths

Terrifying psychopaths around the country have taken time out from planning murders and disembowelling their neighbour's pets to tell The Rochdale Herald that they have already wrapped all of their Christmas presents. The UK's super-organised...
Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn urges Labour MP’s to get behind Theresa May or risk making him...

Jeremy Corbyn has told Labour MP's that they had better get behind Theresa May and her, "And then there were none" vision of Brexit otherwise he risks becoming Prime Minister. One MP told us, "Jeremy...

Woman doesn’t dick about with thermostat

A woman from Rochdale has taken the extraordinary decision to not dick about with the central heating thermostat. Barbara Dickinson responded to the fact that she was feeling a little bit chilly by going upstairs...

Queen’s Christmas speech will contain one paragraph in Urdu

There are rumours today that the Queen's Christmas speech will contain one paragraph in Urdu. A furious Palace insider told us, "It's completely ridiculous. I've heard the Queen isn't happy about it but the Government...
Sunshine

Town centres full of fat topless pricks for some reason

Town centres are chock full of topless, pasty white fat pricks for some reason according to sources. For some reason thousands upon thousands of fat men have forgotten to get dressed for the second day...
Banksy

No new ‘Banksys’ have appeared since Rolf Harris got banged up

Tie me kangaroo down Banksy, can you tell who it is yet? Well perhaps here at The Rochdale Herald we are nearer to being able to say yes, yes we can as a four...

Geordie accused of ‘cultural appropriation’ after wearing jacket during night out

A Geordie is being criticised by social media users for posting an Instagram photo of her wearing a jacket during a night out on Tyneside. 26-year-old hairdresser, Cheryl Weedy, revealed her new look on Thursday...

Hundreds arrested in dawn raids for not wearing a poppy

More than 300 people have been arrested as part of an operation to prevent people who aren’t wearing a poppy to be seen in public today.

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