The Government has confirmed that the people that pulled a statue down over the weekend will face a different level of justice to those that build flammable flats.

A spokesman said, “It’s important that we up hold the law by making sure those identified are captured, tried and receive prison sentences. Or, in the case of the Winston Churchill statue, the death penalty would still be too generous.”

One Government Minister said, “I’d like to reassure everyone that black lives do matter. That’s why we’re scouring the internet for the identities of those involved with defacing and destroying black statues. Obviously, that doesn’t involve people that build flammable flats. Some of those are extremely influential party donors. One even financed most of my campaign. I’d hate for that to get in the papers.”

In addition to announcing new statue vandalism laws the Prime Minister has today announced that black lives matter. Or at least, we think that’s what he was attempting to do. Boris Johnson said, “Whiff-whaff, do black lives matter? Wibble, (inaudible grunting), picaninnies cum pepo risus, whaff-whiff, fight them on the beaches.”

Elsewhere, the city of York is rumoured to have shelved plans for a statue to Prince Andrew.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.