First time buyers struggling to raise the funds for a house deposit are being advised to smother an elderly relative for the inheritance by the Bank of England.

Stricter lending rules, rising house prices and lenient sentences for murderers means that tens of thousands of first time buyers may be able to knock off a grandma and still be out of prison in time to put down decent wedge on a two bed semi according to research.

Property expert Henry Prior said: “The only problem is inflation. If you get 10 years for bumping off a Nana you’ve got to take into account that your deposit is going to shrink in real terms because of low interest rates and rising house prices.”

“The trick is to try to be out in five to seven for good behaviour.”

“But you will have free accommodation and free food for ten years, so it’s swings and roundabouts really.”

Head of the Bank of England Mark Carney told The Rochdale Herald: “There really isn’t another way to stimulate the housing market and get young buyers onto the housing ladder.”

“The important thing to do is to make sure you’ve properly buttered up your grandparents before bumping them off. I mean you don’t want to go to prison for a donation to a local cattery or something.”

“The other option of course is to simply move out of London and go somewhere Northern where you can buy a row of houses for the price of a pint in Covent Garden.”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.