Black people in England 8.2 times more likely to accidentally run into police truncheons...

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Priti Patel today confirmed that the Black Lives Matter movement is a protest about American racism that has nothing to do with England.  The...
Builder

Builder who did the quote for Buckingham Palace sucked air through his teeth first

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After a quick survey of Buckingham Palace on Thursday, 38 year old builder, Barry Burford reportedly said; "Well, there's the pointing, supplies, man hours, that...

New London Development Announced

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With todays news that the Calais Jungle has been cleared of filthy asylum seekers, the ramshackle dwellings have immediately been occupied by an even...
Big Ben Fireworks

Recently renamed London landmark Massive Mohammed to ring out for Diwali despite repairs

There will be fewer quiet nights during October after the authorities in charge of the House of Commons agreed to give the recently renamed...
Potholes

Potholes are going to be our next victims, confirms government

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A source within the Conservative Party has confirmed today that they plan to murder all of the potholes in the country should they win...
Calendar

Government Announces National Nothing Day.

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From worthy issues such as International Women’s Day to cultural stereotypes like National Tea Day, it seems like every day is "something" Day. Just...

Fuck this, we’re off to the pub say protestors

The one million protestors who were expected to topple the Tory government today collectively said “fuck this, we’re off to the pub” after temperatures...

Man left alone for the weekend yet to put his trousers on

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A man who’s wife has gone away for the weekend is yet to put his trousers on The Rochdale Herald has learned. Thomas Thomas of...
McDonald's

McDonald’s launches monster fatburger

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Lard-loving fast food fanatics McDonald's made the announcement immediately following the news that London's sewers have been blocked by vast deposits of insoluble grease. The...

People confused over what Testing is for

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Journalists and other easily baffled people were today up in arms that a thing being tested didn't work as planned. Idiots the country over were...

To a POTUS – a poem by Rabbi Burns

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To a POTUS Yon tangerine faced Yankee prick, that makes the people aw feel sick, who has a little tiny dick and a big red button He's welcome not...
Puppy Christmas

John Lewis Christmas advert shows puppy being fed into blender

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Retailer John Lewis has released its Christmas advert for 2017 which shows a cute puppy being fed into an industrial strength blender. The eagerly anticipated...
Rees Mogg

Rees-Mogg puts his clock back 200 years

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Jacob Rees-Mogg has, today woken up in 1818 after instructing his Valet to put his clock back 200 years. His Butler, Riff Raff told us,...
Angry Man Christmas

Man adamant he wanted nowt for Christmas now angry and petulant he got what...

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An angry Rochdale man who swore to friends and relatives he wanted nothing except "maybe a skip" for all the stuff he already owns...
Anger as southerners omit cockwomble from the OFCOM Swearing Top 10

Anger as Southerners Omit Cockwomble from the OFCOM Swearing Top 10

There was anger on the streets of Rochdale last night as "Cockwomble" was controversially left out of Ofcom's Top 10 of swear words. Ofcom, an...

Bishop of Coventry confused over sexuality

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The Right Reverend Christopher Cocksworth has admitted to sexual confusion, after screwing up a General Synod vote on gay marriage. "I didn't know which way...

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