Beer

Sad wankers unable to even part a Londoner from his beer

Sad little wankers have today expressed dismay that their plans to sow fear into our communities and bring about the downfall of society have yet to come to fruition. ISIS-supporter and sad little wanker,...
Mel Brooks

Mel Brooks confirms rework of The Producers starring Donald Trump about to climax

Veteran comic Mel Brooks, 91, has confirmed that his ambitious live action show, The President, will end shortly with a musical impeachment. Speaking at a rare public appearance as a guest of Dave Chappelle...

Fears for local man missing in Ikea

Fears were increasing today for an intrepid, brave, noble man who has been missing in Ikea for 14 days. Steve Dickinson from Dukinfield was last seen descending the escalator at Ashton-Under-Lyne Ikea a...
Haggis

Haggis ‘just a joke we play on the English’ admits Scotland

With Burns Night suppers planned across Scotland tonight, people are gearing up for the annual celebration of everything it means to be Scottish: fine whisky, song, ceremony, Robert Burns and ruthlessly mocking the English....

Whitehall in panic as Chilcot Report left on N47 Deptford Bus

With only a little more than a month to go before the controversial Chilcot report is due to be released Whitehall has been thrown into chaos. Mandarins up and down the country have been recalled...
Checkout

Environment saved and global warming halted as Rochdale man takes own carrier bag to...

Environmentalists have conceded that the environment has been saved and the ice caps are no longer melting after a Rochdale man remembered to take a carrier bag with him to Asda this afternoon. Rochdale man...
Purse

Wonga to rebrand as Universal Credit Day Loans

The Autumn Budget 2017 announced changes to Universal Credit, merging the government's flagship benefits payment scheme with short-term high-cost credit provider Wonga. Mr B.Starde a spokesman for Wonga said: "It's a marvellous merging of ideas....

Woman doesn’t dick about with thermostat

A woman from Rochdale has taken the extraordinary decision to not dick about with the central heating thermostat. Barbara Dickinson responded to the fact that she was feeling a little bit chilly by going upstairs...

Chilcot stuns world with news that Pope is catholic

Sir John Chilcot has stunned the world by stating again that the Pope is catholic and so it seems is Britain's greatest wartime leader Tony Blair. The surprising rediscovery was made in an interview with...
Bully

Calling bullies bullies is bullying say bullies

Support groups representing bullies are calling for the term bully to be banned. They claim it is a negative and pejorative phrase and leaves the victims feeling, well, bullied. Gripper Stebson of Bullies Against Slander,...

Piers Morgan to be face of ‘Free The Ballbag’ campaign

Piers Morgan has been revealed as the new face of men's rights campaign 'Free the Ballbag'. Inspired by the feminist 'Free The Nipple' movement, the campaign aims to fight against what it calls a 'vaginocentric...
Rainy Day

Siberia braces itself for unseasonal British drizzle

Russian media is warning residents of Central Sibera that the usually frozen steppes will be be bit damper than Britain all week. Prisoners in Siberian Gulags are expecting excessive lots of weather that can't quite...
Britain First

Britain First strangely quiet over Jo Cox murder

This week saw the conviction and sentencing of Thomas Mair in the case of the tragic murder of MP Jo Cox.  During the murder, the accused is said to have shouted "... Britain first...", before...

Rupert Murdoch still on course to become Britain’s longest-serving Prime Minister

With only two days of campaigning left before the general election, polling suggests that Rupert Murdoch is still on course to become Britain’s longest-serving Prime Minister. Despite an upsurge in support for Labour over the...

Lexicographers confirm Jeremy Hunt now officially rhyming slang for idiot.

Those remarkably eloquent phonetician's over at WANCOff (The Wordsmiths, Arithmeticians and Number Crunchers Office) have enjoyed the last few years of Conservative Government. Over this period there has been a huge upsurge in idiocy in...

Office tea expert ‘just sad’ reveals study

  It was confirmed today that people who make a song and dance about brewing and drinking tea are among the saddest characters in any office. The research, carried out in UK workplaces over the last...

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