National News

Father Christmas of North Pole fame is said to be fuming like a well mulled wine after a rumour has spread that he doesn't exist. This malicious slur is thought to have begun when...

Nicky Morgan yesterday made a conciliatory reference to fellow Tory leadership no-hoper Michael Gove's penchant for Charlie as a naive young 31 year old journalist. "He has expressed regret and he is entirely right that...

Health Minster Stephen Barclay has told of his bold plan to plug the shortfall of doctors within the NHS by employing geniuses from the University of life. Speaking to the Rochdale Herald he said, "For...

Thousands of stay at home parents forced to play with their slack off kids all day have had to revise their 'happy childhood memories' of a White Christmas and Snowball fights.  One parent who wished...

With todays news that the Calais Jungle has been cleared of filthy asylum seekers, the ramshackle dwellings have immediately been occupied by an even more dreadful people with beards called 'Noddlers'. These horrific trend setters,...

In an unprecedented move Theresa May is to inform Queen Elizabeth that she will need to redo today's Queen's Speech in Parliament because she forgot to say 'strong and stable'. The shock announcement from Downing...

A pair of lucky childless bastards have managed to book an off-season five star holiday to an empty resort at a cost of almost exactly fuck all. Mark and Emma Warner, 37 and 32, found...

The UK Government has announced that it has appointed a new 'Lockdown Czar' to lead plans to lift the lockdown. Bill Board from Rochdale was given the job after collecting 20 bags of crisps...

Southern Rail execs are busy trying to figure out how to blame unions for one of their trains falling to bits on its way to London. A ceiling panel fell off as the train chugged...

According to reports the British man who has learnt to speak a foreign language fluently is to be burnt at the stake on Tuesday. Lord Rosetta, High Court Judge, has told reporters that Justin Milhouse,...

Home Secretary Amber Rudd has admitted that she did actually get the memo about specific migrant removal targets, but was unable to read it because she's completely illiterate. The Guardian reported a leaked memo dated...

Amid growing concern and fears for public safety, illusionist extremists The Magic Circle have been deemed a threat to security and democracy. The so-called magicians have publicly recorded many of their barbaric acts including brutally...

In a world first a woman from Rochdale who told her husband that she was “fine” has turned out to really be “fine”. Genuinely she’s “fine’. We didn't believe it either. Barbara Dickinson, 35 and a...

Buckingham Palace has refused to confirm rumors that the Queen will greet Donald Trump with a narwhal tusk during his visit to the UK this week. A Palace insider told us, "You'd think there wouldn't...

For many years the myth persisted that Lemmus lemmus, known to you and I as the lemming, would inexplicably hurl itself into the abyss during their annual migration. Or is it a myth? Researchers...

Jacob Rees-Mogg has been told to get over losing the no confidence vote in Theresa May last night. Mr Rees-Mogg heads the European Research Group which is to European research what Andrew Wakefield is to...