Daily Mail photo editor awarded the Iron Cross

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The chief photo editor for The Daily Mail has been awarded the Iron Cross this afternoon. A spokesman for The Daily Mail said, "This award...

Cat who shit in litter tray lined with Daily Mail appointed editor

A cat who took a poo in a litter tray lined with a copy of the Daily Mail has been named as new editor...
Cyclist

Bloke with shaved legs and huge collection of children’s toys denies mid-life crisis

A Bloke with shaved legs and huge collection of children's toys denies mid-life crisis. A forty two year old man from Rochdale who shaves his...

Young people urged to move to areas with cheaper housing and spend savings on...

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The Government is to tell young people that they should move away from urban centers in order to pay less rent. With rents increasing in...
Water Company

Follow Burnley’s example and shower less often, water companies urge Britain

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The recent heatwave shows no sign of abating with another four weeks of sunshine forecast by the Met Office. A hosepipe ban has been enacted...
riot police 2

Police urge Burnley residents not to report sightings of fruit and veg in shops

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Police in Burnley have been inundated with 999 calls after shops started stocking fresh fruit and veg. Rumours that local shops had been taking secret...

Tim Farron’s Andrew Neil interview cancelled for Bake off

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Tim Farron has been left looking sheepish in his chair after Andrew Neil cancelled the Liberal Democrat leader's interview just moments into the opening statement. Neil interrupted...
Angry Man

Oxfam scandal proves we have moral high-ground say selfish, tight bastards

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Dreadful arseholes everywhere have applauded Oxfam staff for providing them with their latest bout of self-justification. Graham Ruddington, 47, who has both used and supplied...
Student Loans Company

Bloke from the Student Loans Company still thinks they’re getting their money back

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A delusional representative of the Student Loans Company has said that he is still optimistic that they might get some of the money back...

Microsoft worker takes Apple to court

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Yesterday, a Microsoft employee allegedly got a dressing down from High Court judge, the Right Honorable Justice Antony Smyth-Tomkinson. The employee who we cannot...

May announces textile regeneration scheme for the Northern Powerhouse

As the race for the Tory Party Leadership heats up, Teresa May has today announced transformative economic reform plans for the Northern Powerhouse. The ambitious...

May to offer Britain complete break from Boris Johnson

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In a last ditch attempt to win the X Factor vote tonight,the PM today took the unusual but popular step to separate Boris Johnson...
Daily Express Readers

Charity begins at home, say dickheads who don’t give money to charity

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Total wankers around the country have responded to increases in the foreign aid budget by insisting that charity begins at home. The wankers, who can...
Big Coat

Man spotted not wearing his ‘Big Coat’ in Rochdale, in June

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In scenes that shocked many shoppers in Rochdale town centre today, two men who were visiting from far away Bolton, were seen walking through...
Ryanair

Birmingham Airport begins Windows 10 update

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Birmingham Airport officials have announced they've accidentally started a Windows 10 update. The update is alleged to have caused the air traffic control centre...

G4S wins plum contract to monitor domestic waste disposal inside homes

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David David MP, the Minister for Local Government was forced into the public gaze today to confirm that G4S has been awarded the coveted...

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