Kicked in the balls

London pints to come with free kick in knackers from 2019

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Consumers concerned with the rising price of alcohol in the UK received a welcome boost today, as it was confirmed all boozers in the...

Nigel Farage reveals he was thrown out of the SAS for being too good

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Nigel Farage MP (just kidding) has revealed that he was thrown out of the SAS for being too good. Mr Farage MP (just kidding) was...

William and Catherine’s third child expected to hatch in April

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Kensington palace said the breeding pair were “delighted” to be adding to their lounge and already have two hatchlings: Prince George, four, and his younger sister Charlotte, two.
Cat

I’m unlikely to put up with your shit much longer, cat tells owner after...

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A 4 year old black and white cat from Twickenham has told its owner Steve that "It's pretty fucking unlikely that I will be...
Green

Inside the Dark Underbelly of Kensington: Salad Dealers

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Our Herald undercover reporter uncovers the sinister side of the illegal Kensington salad trade. It’s 2 a.m. and I’m standing outside an all-night coffee shop...

Fears for local man missing in Ikea

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Fears were increasing today for an intrepid, brave, noble man who has been missing in Ikea for 14 days. Steve Dickinson from Dukinfield...

Chinese cardboard rocket manufacturers report bumper earnings following Korean military parades

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Manufacturers of gigantic cardboard rockets and inflatable tanks have reported record profits for April following Kim Jong Un's massive display of military force. "It's been...

Labour NEC can take your money and run – rules court of appeal

The NEC of the Labour Party has won on appeal its right to lie its arse off in order to get three quid out...
Alf Garnett

Love Thy Neighbour and Till Death do us Part set to get reboots.

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The BBC and ITV have both announced this week that they intend reviving certain 'classic' 70's sitcoms because of the current fashion for being...

Fire at Belfast Primark destroys £5.50 worth of stock

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A fire that has gutted a branch of Primark in Belfast has destroyed £5.50 worth of stock. Primark manager, Shaughn O'Shaughnasseigh told us, "This fire...
Michael Gove

Gove calls for post-Brexit legalisation of cannibalism

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Former Tory minister and leading Brexit campaigner Michael Gove has called on the government to slash EU regulations on cannibalism which he claims have...

Scotland’s oldest man dies aged 35

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Tributes have been paid to Gregor McGregor, Scotland's oldest man who died today aged 35.  An angry man with an impenetrable accent told us, "It's...
Kate and William

Royal baby has already earned more than you

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The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have left hospital after increasing the burden on the taxpayer for a third time. The new prince, who was...

Doubling homelessness through reduced spending on welfare is excellent value claim Tories

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As the National Audit Office revealed that homelessness of all kinds has doubled over the past 6 years, a Tory spokesman has confirmed that...

Daily Express readers warned to brace for worst winter in 5 billion years

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The Daily Express has reported that Britain is to experience the worst winter for the last 5bn years. John Muir, of Inexact weather forecasting said,...

Rupert Murdoch’s face breaks ageing app

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Media tycoon and ancient demonic scrotum, Rupert Murdoch has broken viral photo editor FaceApp, attempting to see what his face would look like in...

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