Several million Irish sign petition to tie Bono to a fecking kite
The good people of the Emerald Isle know how to take advantage of this windy bollocks
A petition to "tie Bono to a fecking kite"...
Rochdale gran still using same can opener she bought in 1967
A Rochdale woman has been telling the Herald how she has had the same can opener for 51 years this year.
Bernadette Gottelieb told us,...
Brexit Halloween Threat
Preparations for the commercialisation of an ancient pagan tradition were thrown into disarray today when importers of Halloween costumes reported that due to poor...
Man discovers he’s middle aged after getting neck injury whilst putting jumper on
A Rochdale man has come to the realisation he's middle aged after sustaining a neck injury whilst putting on a jumper.
Stan Still, 38, said,...
Facebook servers crash after everyone announces they’re drinking Prosecco
Facebook couldn't be logged into earlier today after millions of people updated their statuses with things like;
"The Prosecco is open! You know what that...
Allegations 15,000 dick pics discovered on Boris Johnson’s Foreign Office issued mobile phone
The Foreign Office has denied allegations that a mobile phone issued to Boris Johnson when he was Foreign Secretary was found to contain 15,000...
Bra fitters feel a right pair of tits after revealing the size of the...
Bra fitters Rigby & Peller have lost their Royal warrant after Buckingham Palace cancelled its contract with the company after they revealed intimate details...
Northern Expert finds London still full of wankers
Professor Emeritus of Southern Studies at the University of Leeds, Joe Roots, confirmed in his opening lecture of the 2017/18 academic term that:
“London is...
Government launches electric car scrappage scheme to combat CO2 shortage
In a move that characterises the Government's inability to understand science it has been announced that they will launch an electric car scrappage scheme...
Shipping alert as Monster Fatberg spotted in Caribbean
The Caribbean is facing more misery this week as islanders struggle to deal with the destruction left in the wake of Hurricane Irma.
What has...
Marines B, C, D, E, F & G escape court martial by not forgetfully...
Today Marine B was quietly reflecting on the time he shot a badly wounded prisoner of war in Helmand.
No one else ever heard about...
Shaun Ryder and Bez involved in major undercover police anti-drugs operation
Police have released details of a massively successful anti-drugs operation conducted with the help of Shaun Ryder and Bez.
As the son of a...
Sheffield Council misunderstand the word ‘Socialist’
Sheffield council yesterday accepted they had fundamentally misunderstood the concept of 'socialism'.
Following a vehement rejection by local residents of their plan to cut down...
Children of middle class parents begin Christmas paperwork
The children of middle class parents all over the country are celebrating the rest of their holidays by doing paperwork.
Not drinking alcohol only makes life feel a lot longer, confirm experts
Not drinking will make your life feel a lot longer, according to a study that suggests not being a little bit drunk every day...
Theresa May demands everyone gets behind flat Earth theory
Theresa May is to urge Tory delegates to get behind her theory that the Earth is actually flat.
Mrs May is telling everyone they need...
