Britain’s most patriotic patriots have led calls for everyone in the country to be forced to inject themselves with poppies. The push for proper respect for our troops has secured backing from across the political spectrum.

Joanna Lumley has long argued for Gurkas to be given equivalent recognition and pensions to the rest of our troops. But what do they get? Spat at in the street whilst attending perfectly peaceful rallies with lots of flags n stuff.

This new plan, will see British troops actually see some reward for their endeavours in Afghanistan. Retiring Gurkas are to be offered the opportunity to own and manage stakes in the poppy plantations required to manage the ever growing British need for the red flower.

Meanwhile, back in the UK, former SAS operator Big Phil Campion has been given command of the special poppy forces, aided by former veterans and the brave football lads.
Addressing a rally, Big Phil told the assembled lads:

“If you don’t inject poppies into yourself, sold by our lads? Well, you’re a goddamn traitor, and possibly even French.”

As the current government continues to deliberately underfund the NHS so it can claim it can’t cope, allowing a sell off to Americans, poppies have been one of the few more readily accessible emotional crutches for our veterans.

Lack of mental health services and lack of support to help veterans return to civilian life has instead added to our homeless problem. It is thought that sufficient respect for our troops can now only be tackled by drastic action, by re-introducing poppies to the mainline of society.

“Those saying injecting yourself with poppies is a bad idea, well that’s just another bunch of experts telling you what to do. Ignore.” Said Nigel Farage from his preferred den in Limehouse.

It is thought the Royal Navy in particular supports the call wholeheartedly. Taking to the waves again to force the Chinese to buy our poppies too could mean they get some funding for a change.

After all, spreading poppies round the world is just one of the great endeavours our Empire was built on.

Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?