Leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn (27), has finally sold out in Stoke.

“Every single copy of my Big Issues has gone…”, said Corbyn. It is the first time he has ever managed to sell out completely. “One bloke even give me a fiver and told me to keep warm…”, Corbyn announced, tears running down his wrinkled face.

Pulling up his piss-stained jeans with a tin of Special Brew clutched in his hand, Corbyn headed off back to his hostel to queue for a shower. “Anyone know where I can get some smack?” he asked.

Fellow homeless vagrant Paul Nuttall was not so lucky. Huddled in a doorway, he still had handfuls of Big Issues to sell. “Bastard Indian bloke tried to buy one off me – but these copies are for Brits only…” he gabbled.

“Can’t even afford a tinnie. Fuck me, what a disaster.”

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