Tragedy struck a small IT company in Dorking yesterday after one of its office workers brave efforts to tame a particularly brutal build-up of rectal gas failed, when the unfortunate employee popped.
The worker – who, in the interest of preserving a shred of his family’s dignity, cannot be named – was in his late 30’s and had spent the previous evening partaking in a grotesque curry eating challenge at a local Indian restaurant.
‘I was with him’, admitted the popped man’s colleague, Steve Whitby.
‘It started as just a quick beer after work – but six pints of Cobra later, we found ourselves taking on some sales bastards from Guildford in a ‘Who can eat the three hottest dishes on the menu the fastest’ competition.’
‘Which we did win, by the way. Every cloud and all that.’
After dragging himself into work, the hungover, curry-ravaged employee had no time to visit the office toilet to relieve his overindulgence-related symptoms after being collared for his department’s monthly meeting first thing.
‘Poor bloke’, continued a clearly traumatised Whitby.
‘He just sat there getting redder and redder, holding his stomach… and then – BANG! – poo, beer, blood, bone and naan bread everywhere.’
‘He always did say he’d love to shit all over management for a change.’
‘I was lucky – it could have been me. But I squeezed out a huge dump that a Shire horse’d be proud of just before the meeting started.’
‘What a cruel world. I’ll never look at a poppadum again.’