National News

Embattled Prime Minister Theresa May has been thrown an unexpected life line today. A surprise call from Tony Blair offering her the plum role of Middle East Peace Envoy. Ms May is said to be...

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have left hospital after increasing the burden on the taxpayer for a third time. The new prince, who was born at St Mary's Hospital, London, at 11:01, weighing 8lb...

Besieged Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn has generously given the MP's in the Labour Party the opportunity to vote with their conscience rather than his in tonight's vote on the Trident missile system. The Trident...

Rochdale resident Des Spondent, 46, was getting ready for work one dark morning when the mix-up occurred. The sores in his mouth miraculously healed, and the toothpaste caused a shiny, ultra-white light to come from...

Excitement in the archaeological world this weekend turned to bitter disappointment after archaeologists discovered the ruins of a primitive civilisation on the Yorkshire cost after yesterday's earthquake. Whilst scanning for random bits of crap...

The government says it wants to dodge certain bits of the European Convention On Human Rights because of an "Industry of false and vexatious claims" against British soldiers who served in places like Iraq...

At 01:00 on Tuesday 3rd January, Britain's worst quake for 25 years hit Scarborough, Yorkshire measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale and causing untold disruption and distress.  The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30...

Storm Ophelia is battering the UK and Ireland with gusts up to 80mph. After a report of a northern man tutting at a flurry of leaves and zipping his coat up, the Met Office...

Home Secretary Amber Rudd has admitted that she did actually get the memo about specific migrant removal targets, but was unable to read it because she's completely illiterate. The Guardian reported a leaked memo dated...

Consumers concerned with the rising price of alcohol in the UK received a welcome boost today, as it was confirmed all boozers in the capital will offer a free kick in the knackers with...

A Rochdale man has been kidnapped by US intelligence services and sent to Guantanamo Bay after he complained to his local Barclays Bank about high overdraft charges. Quentin D. Fortesqueue, editor of The Rochdale Herald,...

A working class couple, Steven Dickinson and Barbara Stevenson, who don't own a string of polo ponies, are due to get married at a registry office in Rochdale, like normal plebs. Dickinson, 42 and a...

The Labour Party has announced a new policy that will allow young people to get stabbed on night buses much more cheaply. Labour spokesman, Stan Still said, "Under the Tories young people have increasingly been...

The Rochdale Institute of Advanced Fathering has issued a statement today offering to do away with Father's Day on the condition Mother's Day goes also. The offer is a timely one as fathers across the...

Hospital staff were apparently left flabbergasted at the Duke of Edinburgh's casually racist remarks during a recent impromptu visit by Death, the harvester of souls. His Royal Highness had been admitted to King Edward VII...

Details leaked from an article due to be published in the Daily Mail show plans to bulldoze the famous neolithic landmark to make way for a place of worship for Salisbury Plain's burgeoning Muslim...