Did we just adjust the clocks so that it is dark by the time kids come home from school, and then teach them to knock on strangers’ doors in the hope of sweets?  What is wrong with us?

Halloween was imported from America primarily to act as a firewall.  The landmark holiday usually manages to prevent Christmas music from infiltrating too far into October.  But is this a harmless import, or is it potentially as dangerous as the sea of weird little fascists deriving their morality from a mixture of computer games, Jordan Peterson videos, and their general inability to get laid?

Every year, this paedophile obsessed nation decides that what it wants is to teach its kids to knock on strangers’ doors.  ‘Go ahead, it’s alright if they’ve got sweets,’ we say.  As the kids get a little older, so too do the costumes.

‘Literally anything works as long as it’s slutty!  Well, if you’re a girl.  If you’re a bloke, obviously dressing as a woman is hilarious, as long as you aren’t actually gay, but if you don’t want to do that, just black up and take public transport like it ain’t no thing,’ advised Culture Minister Jeremy Wright just last week.

But it being November, it is time for a good old fashioned injection of British common sense.  Waking with a sugar headache from scoffing the sweets she pimped her kids out for, Rochdale resident Shelly Kelly rang the Herald demanding we wake up the nation to the risks of what we’ve just done.  So take urgent action!

Stop knocking on strangers’ doors for sweets.  Instead, gather your children up, take them down to the local park.  Push them as close as possible to an open bonfire.  Teach them explosives are fun. 

If the kids might explode, it’ll make the nonces think twice.  

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Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?