There was anger on the streets of Rochdale last night as “Cockwomble” was controversially left out of Ofcom’s Top 10 of swear words.
Ofcom, an organisation notoriously dominated by Cockney Wankers filling the sort of non-jobs that would get you black-balled from every Working Men’s Club in Wigan, have collated over 150 words into Mild, Medium and Strong and could find no place for Rochdale classic “Cockwomble”.
Local swearing expert Professor Dave “Do you kiss your Mother with that mouth?” Winstanley was incandescent. “Typical fucking southern Knob Jockeys” he said slipping in another insult that seeming to have passed Ofcom by. “These arse-grapes wouldn’t know a proper fucking swear word like cockwomble if it crashed in their back doors and whitewashed their kidneys; you follow?” he continued.
Professor Winstanley, who offers public lectures every week-day from his office at the end of the bar at The Slip Inn in Rochdale, shot to fame with his 2009 seminal work on the subject “Profanity and Geography: A dichotomaic analysis of Southerners & proper men in the North and perceptions of swear words, particularly about when it’s appropriate to say ‘cunt’ in front of a woman”
“And time’s moved on since that fucker” he observed “How can those twats have ‘Cunt’ at the top of the tree? 6 seasons of ‘Game of Thrones” using it more often than Emilia Clarke’s flange or a flaccid love-length have denuded it of its power. Now ‘Cuntspangle’ (The act of pulling out just before ejaculation, and ‘spangling’ the recipient’s lady-garden with sparkly jizz) is something I can get behind”
He continued “I’d have liked to have seen ‘Arabian Goggles’ in there (A seldom-seen manoeuvre when the male put his testicles over the eye sockets of his partner whilst “getting head”) or ‘Asphyxiwank’ (noun & verb. The act of asphyxiating oneself close to death whilst masturbating for the thrill of it. A fetish that can sometimes go a little too far by accident, leading to death. A practice enjoyed, to the end, by Michael Hutchence, David Carradine and Conservative MP Stephen Milligan) but no! These Ofcom cockgobblers have no fucking clue”
Official Ofcom Spokesperson of No Particular Creed or Sexuality Respecting Diversity & Plurality on a Truly Pan-Humanist Level, Jason Smith, refuted claims that they were pointless oxygen thieving Southerners on bloated public sector salaries with ridiculous final salary pensions adding nothing but red tape and jobs for knob heads “I’m not sure that is the case” he said “but we have formed a committee to focus-group it and should have an answer in 2022”
*What is your most offensive swear-word? Does it make the list? Email, Text or Tweet your best foul-mouthed tirade of filth to us and we in Rochdale will produce our own, definitive list of proper gob-shite & bile.