A middle aged Rochdale couple are reportedly giddy with excitement about their annual tedious night out in a horrible club with hideous people  tonight.

Barbara and Steve Dickinson have decided once again to go to a nightclub where the music is too loud, the floors are too sticky, the people are too young and the drinks are too expensive in order to ‘celebrate’ the New Year.

“It’s tradition isn’t it?” Steve, 42 and a bit, told The Rochdale Herald. “The other option is staying in, not spending a fortune on a taxi, a babysitter and a hangover and watching a couple of episodes of Peaky Blinders.”

“Barbara and I go out clubbing once a year whether we want to or not.”

“It’s important to keep yourself grounded by going somewhere filled with twats and music you hate to remind yourself why you pay for a subscription to Sky Box Sets.”

Barbara added: “Last year was just about one of the best New Year’s Eves we have ever had. Steve put a screw through a central heating pipe while screwing a doorstop down and flooded the living room.”

“We had to turn the central heating off, find a plumber and pull all the carpets and floorboards up.”

“It was brilliant, we had no hot water for a fortnight but it was worth it. We ended up not going out and we didn’t spend £200 on booze and tinnitus.”

“We were in bed for about 9.30pm, I still think Steve might have done it deliberately.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.