Playgrounds and schools all over the country were full of joyous celebration as Britain’s children heard that Broccoli has been rationed.

“Fabbolishus!”, declared Ryan Whingeing (8) from Scumbag Primary School, Rochdale. “The green poison is history!”

Groups of children held hands and danced in circles singing: “Joy to the world, Broccoli is dead, let’s have chips instead.” Badly executed drawings of Broccoli, done in green crayon, were burnt behind bike sheds, or stamped upon and flushed down school toilets.

Chardonnay Obese, (12) from Are Souls Secondary School, Grimsby, was overjoyed. “Even my dad hates the stuff, but he makes me eat it. Well he can choke on it now, if he can get it.”

Rochdale’s drug dealers are keen to move into the Broccoli market, with a small stick of the horrid vegetable reportedly changing hands for upwards of £20.