According to research at the institute of institutes catlike powers are absolutely wasted on cats.

Researchers have discovered that despite having incredible superpower like abilities cats prefer to spend their time licking themselves and lying in the sun rather than using them.

“My cat Misty could theoretically jump six feet straight up in the air, run up walls, balance on impossibly thin edges and always land on her feet.”

“I haven’t seen her do any of that stuff. Mostly she just sits around doing nothing at all. Literally nothing at all. I have rugs that get more exercise.”

“I’ve heard rumours that cats can see in the dark and are deadly predators. I don’t think mine has ever been outside, let alone caught a mouse.”

‘If she did catch a mouse I’m not sure she would know what to do with it, she certainly wouldn’t eat it, she only eats foie gras.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.