The Tory Party has today promised to abolish hospital parking charges by abolishing hospitals.

Tory manifesto spokesman, Bill Board told us, “We’ve done our research and have concluded that the leading cause of hospital parking charges is hospitals. More specifically, people visiting patients in those hospitals. We’ve worked out that we can solve this issue by abolishing hospitals. This will also lead to a decrease in the number of patients.”

“The amount this will save the NHS is truly astonishing. And with the popularity of medical dramas on TV these days we can unleash the potential of the British public in performing medical procedures. Trev and his vehicle maintenance qualification are perfectly fine at treating a broken leg.”

A Tory member told us, “I spent £400 in hospital parking charges last month. Anything they can do to reduce that burden is fine by me. It’ll also cut down on the number of foreign doctors.”

Another member said, “Most hospitals spend their time giving women plastic surgery and performing gender reassignments anyway. Abolish the lot of them and we can get rid of this gay agenda.”

Another told us, “I doubt I’ll miss it. I’m not planning on getting ill anyway.”

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.