Man who forgot to take smartphone to loo with him makes full recovery
A bloke who forgot to take his iPhone to the toilet with him this morning has made a “complete” recovery following “breakthrough” treatment with...
Charity begins at home, say dickheads who don’t give money to charity
Total wankers around the country have responded to increases in the foreign aid budget by insisting that charity begins at home.
The wankers, who can...
Facebook servers crash after everyone announces they’re drinking Prosecco
Facebook couldn't be logged into earlier today after millions of people updated their statuses with things like;
"The Prosecco is open! You know what that...
Whole UK Economy resting on single PPI claim
After the referendum on leaving the EU the treasury scrambled quickly to try and formulate a plan.
"No one actually thought the plebs would defy...
Asking not to be felt up at work is hardly a takeover, sigh women
As several leading Princes amongst Men like Charles Moore of the Telegraph and pre-Prince frogs like Quentin Letts recommend women lighten up, share power...
Labour lose 30 seats in boundary adjustment, laugh Tories
The Conservative Party and the conservative government have denied that the electoral boundary change proposals are an attempt to ensure a Conservative advantage.
"It's just...
Prime Minister to help poor by donating fox meat to food banks
Theresa May has today unveiled plans to improve the diet of malnourished children in areas with high levels poverty.
"This is a great policy that kills...
Starbucks evacuated after customer Alan Akbar orders a coffee
A Starbucks in Manchester was evacuated today after a man called Alan Akbar ordered a Caramel Frappuccino.
Alan told us, "I was out shopping and...
Swiss banks confirm Theresa May’s walking holiday was great for business
"Normally we only get foreign potentates, third world dictators, drug magnates and the odd closet Nazi holidaying here," said Herman Gnom, spokesman for Zurich's Lavamatbank explaining that footage of a genuine prime minister - even one with no majority, no mandate and about to be deposed by her own party has been a huge boost for Swiss banks' credibility.
Christmas ruined after husband caught shagging secretary on Christmas Eve
Christmas is officially ruined after the managing director of a local advertising agency was caught by his wife bonking his secretary on Christmas Eve.
Father...
GBBO causes football fracas
It has been revealed that last night's violence at the London stadium was caused when West Ham fans chanted the name of the Bake...
Fire at Belfast Primark destroys £5.50 worth of stock
A fire that has gutted a branch of Primark in Belfast has destroyed £5.50 worth of stock.
Primark manager, Shaughn O'Shaughnasseigh told us, "This fire...
Middle aged man now communicating entirely by sighing
Authorities in Lancashire are trying to solve the riddle of a man in Rochdale who is now communicating with the outside world only by...
Mel Brooks confirms rework of The Producers starring Donald Trump about to climax
Veteran comic Mel Brooks, 91, has confirmed that his ambitious live action show, The President, will end shortly with a musical impeachment. Speaking at...
Last week’s news roundup
Head of Britain First, Paul Golding, was arrested and sentenced to prison for obsessively visiting places he supposedly hates. He reportedly hates prison too...
53 year old man killed in gigantic pants fire
A 53 year-old man killed in a gigantic pants fire at his home in Upper Wally in Oxfordshire has been described by former colleagues...
