The Royal Society of Being Scared of Food, which has represented vegetarians for over forty years, declared tuna a vegetable today for the purpose of Spanish, French and other continental holidays.
“We hear reports all the time back from friends and members on holiday who are constantly tormented by the food options in Spain,” Mrs Bea Have, Grand Poobah of RSBSF, advised, “France is also a place of great suffering for vegetarians. Actually, pretty much anywhere outside their front door can be a total mind f*ck…”
Mrs Have went on to explain that the major problem appeared to be tuna in every single thing ever served as food on the continent.
“You even hear reports of tuna being placed on pillows in hotels, like welcome mints, it’s completely disorienting for anyone who is prepared to ignore millions and millions of years of evolution and forego meat because they think animals would pause to consider their inner life before ripping them to shreds.”
The fact that tuna is placed in everything described as a salad seems to cause considerable irritation.
“I don’t know who these people think they are? We’ve been saying slowly for decades, and lately via google translate, that tuna is not a vegetable. We’ve given in. It’s become clear a vegetarian on holiday anywhere in the Mediterranean is going to come home more stressed than when they arrived, so we’ve just decided to get over it and declare tuna a vegetable. Call it the cucumber of the sea and get on with life.”
Asked what advice Mrs Have had for vegans on holiday, the answer was brief.
“Oh forget it. You’re totally f*cked the moment you get on that plane.”