Former popular television presenter to repaint Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth following release from prison.
Rolf Harris, 87, is rumoured to be looking at the possibility of rebooting his television career after being released last May from HMP Stafford, just half way through his sentence for historic indecent assault. He is described by friends as ‘at a loose end’, and ‘willing to consider even the shit Ross fucking Kemp would turn his nose up at’ in a bid to get back onto the nations TV screens and back into the public’s good books, and it would appear that, as chance would have it, his luck is in.
In a surprise announcement from Buckingham Palace today it emerged that Mr Harris is due to paint the Queen once again as a late birthday present to Her Maj and that the session will once again be filmed by the BBC. A Palace spokesperson told us “Rolf last painted The Queen for her 80th birthday in 2005; the portrait was soon after voted the second-most-favoured of the Queen by the British public”.
“This year for her birthday she had her heart set on the Lego Friends Amusement Park Roller Coaster, but all she ended up getting was a couple of B&Q vouchers and some Haribos, she was gutted. We thought it would be nice to treat her to another painting by Rolf as a late present.” he continued.
“The paint job from the original session is starting to show signs of serious wear and tear now, with some patches on Her Royal Highness’s face visibly flaky and with the undercoat clearly showing through. Frankly, she could do with a good spruce up, and despite Rolf’s convictions for historic abuse he’s still the best man for the job. To put it politely, her face is lived in; Rolf is the only guy that really knows his way around a lot of those nooks and crannies” he furthered.
Work is expected to start on the Queen in early August, when Her overcoat will be stripped down with a heat gun and wire brush by Mr Harris at his own private studio, prior to her being re-coated with a quality hard wearing Dulux exterior gloss paint. BBC spokesperson Faeces Q Prendergast told us “what better way for a man like Rolf, vilified and despised by the public, to attempt to relaunch his career than by defiling one of the nation’s best loved great grandmothers, by tipping a load of lurid and highly toxic VOC ridden paint all over her on national television. The proles are gonna shit, that’s fucking TV gold, right there that is. It’s no more than the tossers deserve.” he opined.
A specially commissioned BBC TV series, provisionally entitled ‘Convicted Sex Monster Rolf Harris Covers The Queen In Paint, You Disgusting Vermin’ is due to be aired on the BBC in the autumn at the expense of decent, honest license payers everywhere.
