Since moving to London, St Cuthbert’s alumnus Ben Green has prided himself on, in his own words, “spreading his chutney round Putney”.  Claiming to have graduated one of Rochdale’s leading Catholic schools, he has for several years used this to justify what his nan calls “forgetting to wear his raincoat”.

Whilst Green was an early adopter for protective Tesco apparel, wearing overalls and a mask to pick up his resupplies of Strongbow Dark Fruits, he has until now persisted with his love for bareback riding at the rodeo.

However, all of that could be about to change. 

“I have long been confident that when I shoot, I won’t score, whether on or off the pitch,” explained the Fez Club 5-aside captain, “but I realise now that confidence was based on a world before coronavirus.”

Green had initially enjoyed the increased opportunities from the virus, for example asking girls if they would like to be his “Quaran-queen” or indeed whether they would like a rim job if they were short on Andrex.  But increased media focus on the potential for disease transmission has caused Green to reconsider his approach to his occasional seconds of intimacy.

“Now, with working from home increasingly prevalent, the chances of a girl working out exactly where I live have increased, and with that, the potential for consequences.”

As such, Green has decided to learn how to put condoms on in case he accidentally sires and abandons a series of children with different women, and is consequently forced to assume the office of Prime Minister at this time of national crisis.  He remains untested for STDs.