The Tower of London was last night illuminated by the light of 10,000 small fires as Aaron Banks and officials from Leave.EU burnt loads of documents.

One onlooker, Bill Board said, “At first we thought it was the Armistice Day monument. But then we saw this fat little man who looks a bit like a toad walking around handing other people papers and telling them to make sure they don’t leave until everything is burnt.”

A “friend” of Mr Banks told us in flawless Russian, “I saw him yesterday after the Andrew Marr show and he was a bit edgy. He just came back and told me to burn everything so I set fire to the house. We had to tell the insurance company that it was a bonfire that had gotten out of control.”

Meanwhile, one guest who attended a fireworks celebration at Nigel Farage’s house on Saturday told us, “Nigel was very keen that we visit his bonfire. It was impressive. It was huge and consisted almost entirely of A4 sheets of paper and computer hard drives. The Russian Ambassador had even sent some toffee apples for us all to try.”

Another guest of Mr Farage’s said, “It reminded me a bit of that film, ‘Downfall’, when the Nazi’s are burning loads of documents and pretending they’re not Nazi’s as the Russian Army lays waste to Berlin. Only instead of the Russian Army it is Channel 4 News and everyone is burning their UKIP tie and pretending they never voted for Brexit.”

 

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.