An avid fox hunter has spoken out against the notion that his chosen ‘sport’ is in any way cruel to fox, hound or horse.

Sir Graven John Roxborough-Countryfile-Tailor-Jewson QC, of Bell End in North Sussex, spoke to The Rochdale Herald.

“If we didnt hunt the damn foxes, then the horses would be doing it themselves, what? The blighters could get into serious danger if we weren’t there to look after them. Gadding about, running o’er hill and down dale in pursuit of the sly fox, it’s what a horse lives for, don’t you know?

“You hear these bloody townies and saboteurs saying it’s cruel or inhumane but they don’t understand the countryside. The horses love it and who would want to stop these noble beasts from enjoying themselves, eh? Now that would be cruelty wouldn’t it, what?”

Mr Cecil Wifebeater, beater, told us “It’s been tradition for hundreds of years in our district to protect the horse from the cunning fox by ripping old Renard limb from limb with only an army of savage dogs to help us and the foxes enjoy it, you see. They see it as a sort of right of passage, a long days journey into night, if you will. It’s funny,” he chuckled, “some people think they’re running scared. Terrified by the noise of the dogs, the beating of the horses hooves and the shouts and jeers of the baying crowd but they have so much fun. If only you could see their little faces as the hounds bear down on them.”

“As anyone who knows anything about the countryside will tell you,” continued Sir Graven, “foxes have been known to kill the odd chicken or even a lamb. The next logical step for a fox is to go after the noble horse, man’s best friend and all that, what? so we’re helping the horses to protect themselves in a way, do you see?”

When asked about the tradition of ‘blooding’ when the blood of the dead fox is smeared on the faces of new hunters, Sir Graven told us:

“Oh, we copied that off bloody badgers.”