Buckingham Palace has sought to quash rumours that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are set to call their new baby boy ‘Diana’ and then raise him as a girl.
In a memo leaked to the Herald this afternoon – described by our legal expert as “probably legit but ask me again when I’m sober” – a senior royal aide has suggested that naming the baby after the late Princess of Wales and raising him as a female would gain the royal family support from people at both ends of the political spectrum, at a time when the role of the monarchy is in question.
“Whilst there are obvious advantages to sticking with a traditional royal name and raising the prince in a conventional manner, we should look at this as an opportunity to appeal to those who would gladly confine the monarchy to the dustbin of history,” writes the author, whose identity will not be revealed until we can think of a funny enough pseudonym.
“Calling him Diana would potentially pacify the sort of frothing, right-wing bigots who are currently outraged that we are allowing Her Majesty’s grandson to marry a woman of mixed ethnicity. Whilst they will no doubt quibble over the fact that ‘she’ is actually a ‘he’, we know from experience that the words ‘Princess Diana’ have an almost hypnotic effect on these cretins, something that we can exploit to the maximum when we remind them that she was also born on St. George’s Day.
“Those on the Left, on the other hand, will either be impressed by our attempts to appear progressive or too scared to criticise us in future in case they are labelled transphobic.
“It’s a win-win in my book.”
The proposal has received a mixed response from the public, with some embracing the idea of a transgender princess and others thoroughly confused about what toilets she would use if she went to their child’s school.
“Diana was the princess of our hearts and I miss her every day, so I think calling the new prince after her is the patriotic thing to do,” said Daily Express reader Darren Fudd, 39, who in 1997 started a petition to have Diana hanged as a traitor for dating Muslim millionaire Dodi Fayed.
“As long as he doesn’t try to piss in the same toilets as my little Kortnee that is, the little pervy nonce bastard.”
Left-wing activist Charlotte Smyth-Jones, 28, was also open to the idea but said that it would not alter her pro-republican views.
“Death to the Monarchy!” she told our reporter. “A transgender princess is a start but they won’t truly represent the British people until the crown is worn by a mixed race, pansexual, gender neutral immigrant with at least two disabilities.
“As long as they aren’t Jewish.”
Meantime, paparazzi photographers everywhere have started the countdown to the young princess’s 18th birthday, so they can start competing to get the first shot up her skirt.