British Unity Nationally Guaranteed

Treasury Minister Terry Axe announced today that British Unity Nationally Guaranteed (aka B.U.N.G.) payments will start shortly as part of delivering the Conservative and Unionist National Transition Schedule (aka, well, never mind that one).

Speaking today at the Grenfell recycling centre, Mr Axe pooh poohed criticism in the press that unfairly focussed on the (near constant) references during the election campaign to there not being a Magic Money Tree to deliver payments like moderate increases to nurses’ salaries.

“We are all in this together,” said TM T. Axe.

“We have asked all councils, and I mean all, Labour and Tory alike (do the Lib Dems have any, well I neither know nor care), to engage with this in the most appropriately austere manner possible.”

“You shortly see scrap aluminium and plastic being reclaimed from buildings across the nation, to meet our commitment to the DUP to part fund the B.U.N.G. through recycling.”

“We expect Clads for the Lads to be at least as popular as Clean for the Queen.”

“We will then of course raise some of this revenue from the general public. It is wrong however to suggest that this will be through taxation. There will be an entirely separate deduction from your payslip referred to as a NI contribution, which is in no way a tax, and a different thing entirely.

The NI contribution, also referred to as Saving Theresa Arsehole May’s Parliament, or the NI STAMP, will be deducted through the PAYE mechanism from next month.

The Herald welcomes this opportunity to further contribute to the strength and stability of this sceptred Isle.