Theresa May today totally smashed Paul Pogba’s world transfer fee record into smithereens after purchasing 10 Northern Irish defenders for a yet to be finalised sum believed to be in the region of £1.5 billion.
May believes the purchase of these world class defenders will bolster the squad to ensure another five years at the top. “With me up front and these 10 behind me we’ll be back in Europe picking up trophies before you know it!” dribbled May.
Various agents are in line for huge bumper bonuses after the deal is completed. Every single person in Northern Ireland is expected to be in line for a share of the spoils of the deal.
Mino Raiolo, the agent behind both the DUP deal and the transfer of Paul Pogba from Juventus to Manchester United, is expected to clear almost £700M in completely justified, completely above board bonuses for his vital part in the blackmail proceedings.
“It was a simple stick em up, I mean negotiation,” Mino told The Herald, “I just told Arlene to shut up and let me do the talking and then I just said ‘no’ to Theresa May as she grovelled on the floor until I was convinced there was no more money left whatsoever. Easy peasy.”
The Conservatives were originally asked for clarification about their part in the deal and were understood to be absolutely relaxed about the situation throughout the process.
The DUP on the other hand have come under increasing scrutiny, particularly looking into aspects of the relationship that has allowed Mino Raioloto collect almost 50% of the transfer fee.
If they are found guilty of wrongdoing by the electorate they could face a transfer embargo next season.