The Warwickshire town of Leamington could become the new English capital following the United Kingdom’s departure from the European union, sources close to prime minister Theresa May have suggested.
The sources confirmed that the government, and Mrs May in particular, have become increasingly annoyed that the bulk of London inhabitants continue to oppose leaving Europe and at the increasingly successful policies of London mayor, Sadiq Khan, aimed at undermining the government’s Brexit plans.
“Frankly, we’ve had enough of all the foreigners who live here with their smelly foreign food and their egalitarian continental ways. We think a more “English” location for the capital would benefit everyone,” he said.
“Royal Leamington Spa, to give it its full name, offers the regal tang of royalty together with , compared to London, extremely reasonably property prices,” he said adding that it was close enough to working class Coventry to allow for a steady supply of cleaners, drivers and other menials but far enough away to avoid the smell.
Additionally, he explained, Warwickshire offers plenty of agricultural land which will be left fallow after the UK exits the common agricultural policy and closes its borders, blocking the arrival of the cheap agricultural labour which has long done all the dirty work on British farms.
“Oodles of room for a new parliament, ministries and other offices and what have you, and lots of big construction contracts to ensure the Conservative party’s big donors don’t go short,” he added.
Quizzed on whether the government was aware of the homophonic relationship between “Leamington” the posh town near Coventry, and “lemming” a small furry animal famed for gathering together in extremely large numbers and committing suicide by jumping off cliffs, the spokesman expressed surprise.
“There’ll be no more homos after we are finally free of Europe,” he snarled.
“Anyway you don’t think the government actually voted for Brexit do you? We’re implementing the will of the people is all.”
“If they want to jump off a cliff that’s entirely their own affair. We’ll be far too busy building ourselves manor houses and villas in the rural idyll of Warwickshire,” he explained.