“I’ll deliver Brexit just like I deliver pizza.” That’s what Theresa May said and people have been queuing up to say that that’s Brexit stuffed then.

George Osborne said, “She once bought pizza for us on a Cabinet away day. It was an absolute farce. Firstly, there were 40 of us and she ordered 4 pizza’s. Then, she’d ordered, lettuce, pineapple, ranch dressing and spinach as toppings. The delivery guy turns up 2 hours late. God knows why. She spent 20 minutes arguing with him about some coupons she said she’d got that were a week out of date. In the end Dave had to settle the bill.”

Mr Osborne went on, “She tried to make out Amber Rudd had been in charge of ordering the pizza over the phone. Amber denied it but then we found the proper order when it fell out of her bag. Dave was livid. He was really looking forward to pulled pork.”

An aide who wishes to remain anonymous said, “I’m a coeliac and she refused to order gluten free because it costs so much. I spent an entire night in the bathroom. It was horrible.”

It’s understood that Mrs May didn’t knowingly mislead the Cabinet about her pizza ordering abilities. Her husband has privately told us, “Pizza ordering is a boy job in our house.”

Mr Osborne told us, “If pizza is anything to go by, Brexit will be late, cold and taste like the contents of the local pizzerias hoover bag. It’ll also repeat on you for weeks afterwards.”

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.