Prince Philip

Prince Philip denies sending Harry and Megan packet of mystery white powder

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The Duke of Edinburgh has strenuously denied sending Prince Harry and Megan Marckle a toxic package. The parcel was left on Harry and Megan's doorstep...

London celebrates first “Gammon Pride” event

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Scotland Yard and the Met Police are bracing for potential violent clashes at a "Gammon Pride" event being held in London today. The event will...

Relief for constipated Dog after long search for the perfect spot leads to Downing...

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There was massive relief for the owner of a constipated dog today, as their long search for the perfect dumping spot finally ended in...
Daily Express Readers

Charity begins at home, say dickheads who don’t give money to charity

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Total wankers around the country have responded to increases in the foreign aid budget by insisting that charity begins at home. The wankers, who can...

Britain faces Sophie’s choice over which incompetent arsehole leads it

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Britain has revealed it is spoiled for choice on which incompetent aresehole it has leading it. A spokesman told us, "Everyone is cheering at the...

Piers Morgan to be face of ‘Free The Ballbag’ campaign

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Piers Morgan has been revealed as the new face of men's rights campaign 'Free the Ballbag'. Inspired by the feminist 'Free The Nipple' movement, the...

Brexit Cancelled as Civil Servants Finally Read “Article 50”

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All nations attending Treaty discussions are only allocated one car parking space. UK plans for "Brexit" have hit the buffers after Westminster Civil Servants finally...
Oldham

Move to rename Oldham as Oldtofu welcomed by militant vegans

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The town of Oldham, Greater Mancashire, has been praised by vegan activists, hipsters and liberal snowflakes alike for taking the progressive move of removing...

Corbyn Calls for Alton Towers to be Nationalised as Queues for Rollercoaster hits 2...

Waiting for hours for the hope of a seat, crushed up against other in the park, or crouched uncomfortably in the queues is an...
Die Hard 2

Gatwick drone operators arrested after shootout at abandoned church and ski-doo chase across frozen...

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A team of former special-forces mercenaries have been arrested in connection with the criminal use of drones which has caused the widespread disruption to...
Rees Mogg

You lost get over it, Jacob Rees-Mogg told

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Jacob Rees-Mogg has been told to get over losing the no confidence vote in Theresa May last night. Mr Rees-Mogg heads the European Research Group...

People with no connection to the USA celebrate Independence Day

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People with absolutely no connection to the United States of America have been inexplicably celebrating US Independence Day today. Cliff Edge told us, "I got...

Britain surprised by arrival of snow for 8,000th year in a row

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?Ever since the peninsula of Britain became the island of Britain, the inhabitants have been utterly unable to predict or cope with the cold...
Rick Astley

Rick Astley gives up turns around and deserts you

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The 80's smash hit superstar and naughties annoying meme, Rick Astley, is hanging up his mic once and for all. After the the shock death...

We want to control our own borders! As long as our borders stay in...

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Today small minded people up and down the land were in uproar as rumours that the cheese eating surrender monkeys want the English border...
Theresa May

You’re In Or You’re Out

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Casual racism is set to become a thing of the past under new Prime Minister Theresa May. Shoe-obsessed Theresa May has announced plans to eradicate...

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