Corgi

Queen deciding which Corgi to shoot first if Corbyn becomes Prime Minister

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Buckingham Palace sources have reported that the Queen is currently trying to decide which of her Corgis to shoot first should Jeremy Corbyn be...

May Presented With Mirror After Body Shaming Corbyn

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Know Thyself, a charity dedicated to helping older people come to terms with physical changes, is to present Theresa May with a full length...
Love

You don’t know what love is ’til you hold your baby for the first...

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Forget looking into your bride's eyes on your wedding day, you don't know what love is until you become a parent and hold your...
Fried Chicken

Conservatives offer new members discount card at Kentucky Fried Pheasant

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Conservative Party Central Office have announced this week that new members will be recieve a variety of benefits including discounts at Michael Gove's new...

England celebrates patron saint of Syphilis

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England is to spend the day celebrating the patron saint of Syphilis today. Branches of Wetherspoons across the land will be full of obese, gammon...
David Davis

New train timetables also a massive success, confirms Davis

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The imposition of sweeping timetable changes on Britain's railways for the first time in 17 years has been an unmitgated success, it has been...

Skeletor still ‘pretty buff’ for a skeleton

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Men's Health Magazine today announced its annual Top Ten Fittest Male Celebs list with actor, recently elected DUP MP and self proclaimed evil overlord Skeletor...

Prince Philip is ‘perfectly fine’ Palace assures public

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HRH Prince Philip was straight back to work today insulting foreigners just three days after being released from hospital.  Palace officials were quick to point...

Santa sacks Rudolph due to his low productivity levels

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It's "snow" joke. Santa has sensationally sacked his seasonal sidekick, Rudolph. The reason was that the much-loved face of animal disability was displaying typically...

Emergency services respond to man with spade in head

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Ambulance crews were called to an address in Wigan this morning after a local man suffered head injuries. The man's wife called 999 after her...
Wearing Poppy

Daily Express readers to mark start of Poppygeddon with mass execution of celebrities not...

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6 lucky Daily Express readers will mark the launch of the Royal British Legions poppy appeal by machine gunning celebrities caught not wearing poppies...

UK appoints man that burnt 5G mast down to plan lockdown lifting

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The UK Government has announced that it has appointed a new 'Lockdown Czar' to lead plans to lift the lockdown. Bill Board from Rochdale...

Daily Express readers desperately hoping new Royal baby is a ginger

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Daily Express readers up and down the country have welcomed the news of Duchess of Sussex's pregnancy by crossing all of their fingers and...
Arron Banks

UKIP Historian reveals Russia didn’t invade Afghanistan and Hitler was misunderstood

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Acclaimed UKIP historian and shit stirrer extraordinaire, Arron Banks, took to Twitter yesterday to point out that "the Russians didn't invade Afghanistan." The historian and...
Emergency Services

Office worker pops supressing huge fart during 5 hour meeting

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Tragedy struck a small IT company in Dorking yesterday after one of its office workers brave efforts to tame a particularly brutal build-up of...
Irn Bru

Street prices hits £2 a hit in Glasgow as addicts stockpile Irn Bru

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Street pushers in Glasgow have been demanding up to £2 for a hit of Irn Bru as addicts have started stockpiling ahead of a...

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