Bank of England

Government promises next batch of fivers ‘will be halal’

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There was an outpouring of fury earlier this week from vegetarians, vegans and religious groups as it was revealed that our new £5 notes...
Entrenching Tool

Digging f#*#*#g foxholes is new black in today’s British Army

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The humble British Army entrenching tool, a short, squat, folding standard NATO issued 3-way shovel, pick and close combat weapon, has surged in popularity amongst...
Michael Gove

Angela Merkel looking forward to going Interrailing with Michael Gove

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Angela Merkel is reported to be ecstatic about spending the summer Interrailing with Michael Gove. Gove will be Interrailing as part of the Governments...

Priti Patel congratulates Boris Johnson on arrival of 3001005789th baby boy

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Priti Patel, Minister for whatever the heck it is she does has been one of the first Government Ministers to congratulate Boris Johnson and...

Babies born in Britain today to hear about home ownership via myths and legends

4
Researchers from the Rochdale Institute for Social Morphology released today the results of their latest study into the changing oral traditions of the British...

Retailers unconcerned by “Buy Nothing Day”

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UK retailers were left smirking knowingly today as momentum gathered for the Buy Nothing Day campaign, being run on the same day as Black...
David Davis

New Heathrow runway will make getting to France easier say Brexiteers

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The new runway at Heathrow airport will be completed just in time for leading Brexiteer's to use it to leave the country for villa's...
Morning Runner

Morning is the best time of the day, confirm detestable bastards

People who are utter and complete bastards have confirmed that morning is the best time of the day.  Groundbreaking research by researchers at the Institute...

Man singing “Free Tommy Robinson” thought he was entering competition to meet him

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A man who spent yesterday in London singing "Free Tommy Robinson" has said he thought he was entering a competition to meet him. Dave Wild...
Grimsby

Earthquake rescue workers assured Grimsby is fine, it’s supposed to look like that

Earthquake rescue teams from around the globe were told to stand down today after they descended en masse on Grimsby in Lincolnshire following reports...

Local journalist creates entire article from on line forum comments.

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A journalist at a Sheffield local newspaper has admitted that an entire article published in Friday's edition of the Sheffield Councilpleaser was constructed entirely...

Aging pop acts battle over who inspired Storm Caroline

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As reports develop of the latest weather front to hit the UK, it appears that a storm is brewing in the music world that's...
Birmingham Park in Snow

‘No Bad News Day’ in West Midlands after all morons are snowed-in

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The West Midlands is experiencing record low levels of bad news and buffoonery as the majority of the population took advantage of a plausible...
Range Rover

It’s the will of the people – Jaguar Land Rover tells redundant employees

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Jaguar Land Rover has told employees that by making them redundant they are carrying out the will of the British people. Employee Bill Board told...
Car Crash

Uber to consult UK Government for advice on dealing with driverless car crashes

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Following the tragic death of a pedestrian knocked down by a driverless Uber vehicle, the taxi giant confirmed it would be consulting UK Government...

Man that spent last month saying all lives matter furious at 3 million Hong...

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A Rochdale man that has just spent a month telling anyone within earshot or on the internet that all lives matter has said he's...

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