Economic experts are forecasting that Christmas 2017 will see a double digit percentage increase in cost to the average family, based on a basket of seasonal goods.

Levels of fraughtness are expected to peak at approximately 3.15 pm (GMT) on 24 December at an unprecedented 147.87 on the Fallon Footsie index, before falling back 25 base points by 4pm on Christmas Day itself due to intervention from Offlicence.

Sam T Klauz, the London head of Deutsche-Wischer-Geurlfrend Gmbh, commented, “We have not seen a convergence of the Morrisey misery indices and the Altricht intolerance level on such a scale before. Following the 2008 banking crisis the Hang-Dogg exchange reached a peak of 5945.42 but this year, unless the EU consents to quantative easing through the KY mechanism, the Schidt-Krieg will be up, massively.”

So what will this mean for the average UK family? Amelie Hotstaff of Banque Cesoir ran the figures through a computer and came up with some pie charts. “These show that mince pies will collapse earlier than predicted, possibly crumbling to a level equivalent to 2013’s low on the Sprowte unpopularity ladder. With the small margin of less than 40 baste points of turkeys voting in favour, it will mean misery on a huge scale, possibly 576.987 points, for those on below median incomes.”

Tommy Tuttle, marketing director thingy of Profits’r’Us, the leading retailer of Chinese crap, is expecting weak sales this winter. “Across our portfolio of breakables, we expect a downturn in gender neutral products, and a slump in the upper quartile of media-related bumf such as Princess Elsa dolls and those hideous yellow things.” Minions? “Yes, sadly we will have to shed staff post Christmas, but that news is embargoed till Boxing Day, OK?”

Retail analyst, Rita Lannilist, says that the ordeal will affect family members differently. “We expect that female parental units will suffer the most, followed by recipients of battery operated goods. The shortage of lithium based products due to Brexit uncertainty will put pressure on the Disappointment parameter by as much as 15 percent, leading to higher Tantrum levels in the retail-critical 4 to 12 age group, with possible slippage into the 13 to 20 band.”

So is there any good news?

Sam T Klauz says yes, but only for some.

“Frankly, by the time of the Queen’s Speech, I’ll be around 53.7% proof on the Trollid scale and not giving a fuck.”

Baz Cordouroy is an imaginary friend of a cat called Tibbles. He likes nothing more than rolling on his back and having his tummy tickled. Tibbles however likes listening to Schoenberg and watching the films of Jean Renoir.