With only two days of campaigning left before the general election, polling suggests that Rupert Murdoch is still on course to become Britain’s longest-serving Prime Minister.
Despite an upsurge in support for Labour over the past week, the media mogul looks set to secure his place as the most powerful person in British politics for the past 30 years, thanks largely to a gullible public who will believe anything they get told by the tabloid press.
“It’s unbelievable how stupid you guys are,” said News Corp executive, Brad Mephistopheles. “Mr. Murdoch’s used a number of puppets to push his right-wing agenda over the years, and Theresa May is easily the worst, but he’s still on course for another win. He’s got these little bitches to start wars, demonise immigrants, pull us out of the EU and sell off public services, but you idiots still queue up to vote for him.”
“Christ, in the build up to the last election the public were told that David Cameron would cut tax credits for working families, a definite vote loser. We spent a few weeks getting the Sun to call him ‘Dave’ and Bob’s your uncle, the Tories get a majority. And then you complained when he did what he said he was going to do! Even we would struggle to make that shit up!”
When asked about the prospect of a Labour victory, Mephistopheles laughed and admitted that his boss always had contingencies in place.
“We were worried there for a bit, to the point where we were going to run a story about Jeremy Corbyn having ISIS leaders on his Christmas card list,” he said.
“But then Diane Abbott pops her beautiful, idiotic head above the parapet and starts putting off swing voters faster than the words can come out of her arse. We’ve a good mind to get the Queen to put her on the New Year’s Honours List for services to comedy.”
However, the executive left no doubt about who would remain in charge should Jeremy Corbyn make it into Number 10.
“In the unlikely event that Corbyn does get in, that beard will have to go,” he said. “Mr. Murdoch has very sensitive buttocks, and those whiskers will wreak havoc on the skin between his cheeks.”